I can't remember a time when I was scared of dying. I think that most people who suffer from depression with suicidal ideations can relate. 
Never having answers to my never-ending heartbreak is my only fear in life. 
           If anyone has any answers that could help me make sense of it all please let me know so I can reach my full potential and leave my sorrows behind me. 

The two people who would know the answers I seek are Michael Owens and Ryan Wilks. Spring of 2011 they lived on Green st. downtown Chicago. They told m e they worked at REI but that could have been one of many lies they told me.

In my junior and senior years at New Trier highschool I dated a boy named Chris. At the age of 18 I found out he had been cheating on me and I felt heartbreak for the first time in my life. When I confronted him about it he denied that it happened. I wanted to believe him but also knew he was lying so I learned to understand the cheating. "I told myself that I was not a sexual person and guys his age couldn't control themselves as well as women. I did this too out of low-self esteem for myself and fear of loneliness, I knew we had become co-dependent and I was going to college soon which I was excited for but it wasn't for another 3-4 months. 
           Soon after I degraded myself by staying with Chris, he was sent to rehab  and I only had to suffer a few months of loneliness until the new experience of college (university of Denver) handed me many new friends. Unfortunately, when I was home during winter break he somehow talked me into having dinner with him. At dinner he did the cliche move of "I've changed, I'm not on drugs now and boom we were back together. 
          I often felt like he was cheating on me when I dated him in college but I knew I would never know the truth from his mouth. I finally let go completely of Chris when I studied abroad in Prague fall of 2007 at the university of economics there.
           Chris was a pathological liar, which I put up with for 4 years always trying to understand the behavior instead of punishing him for it except for the 6 times I thought I had had enough and broke up with him, but it never worked because he would always lie about something to get me back. I always wanted to believe him. When we first began dating he lied about his age, name father's occupation. I thought it was innocent and I was a little flattered that he cared what I thought. 
               Right before I left for Prague I learned about some much heavier lies making me question if he was a sociopath. He told me that his father cheated on his mother and she got AIDS. The cheating part was true and for years I thought his parents (I was close with his mother but would never bring it up so the truth didn't come out until much later) had AIDS or HIV but it was a lie. He told me when I was in Colorado any school that he was diagnosed with cancer (Hodgkin's lymphoma) probably to get me to come home and leave school. I called his brother for the truth, this was also a lie. He also never had a little brother that died young. 
                I had heard from an acquaintance in highschool that Chris once beat up an old man who almost died and Chris was put in the psych ward for it. Chris denied that this ever happened, however; sometimes her would boast about how scared people were of him. On occasion I had overheard him say things like "boy you don't know what I'm capable of, never talk to my girlfriend again". He would get really jealous and even told me once I wasn't allowed to talk to other guys. I obviously didn't take that seriously I just thought he must be in a very strange mood. 
                  After graduating college Chris wouldn't stop trying to contact me via texting. He tried to impress me or thought I was dumb enough to believe that he was hired by the CIA and he was taking classes at Northwestern in Arabic. I changed my phone number. Since then, what I've heard from his family is that he made 60 million, is married, and has a son (his wife is not the mother) who he pays no child support for. He moved to Spain just so he wouldn't have to give his child money. Its sad and scary that sociopaths and psychopaths, people without a conscious, who manipulate others for their own personal gain can gain power so easily because they don't feel remorse when they hurt someone. 
            In May of 2020 I got out of an abusive relationship in which the abuse began because I didn't feel like having sex one night. I have also been raped by an ex-boyfriend who was dating someone else at the same time without my knowledge. Having gone through all that more recently I know some sociopaths are worse than others, Chris never physically harmed me but who knows what would have happened if I was stronger then and had said no. 
             Chris reached out to me a few years ago via email, offering to pay me to make a video of myself having sex with someone else. This to me was just disturbing as much as I wanted it to be funny, it only shows how little he knows me, I will probably spend the rest of my life celibate. After years of suffering due to hurt emotions and a sensitive soul, I can now give him the dictionary diagnoses of retarded; less advanced in mental, physical, or social development than is usual for ones age.