February 24th, 2021
Written in the Himalayas over a decade ago, 23 on the cusp of nothing to believe. 2010
This is what I came here for. The euphoria that comes with life's revelations. The moments when everything seems perfect the way it is and all doubt evaporates. This is how I felt today while hiking to a majestic Himalayan village. (khati)The scenery unreal, the air crisp with the slight humor of being surrounded by crops of marijuana without the past or present habit, along with vibrant mountain flowers. Life can't Get any better than these moments of bliss. Once again the discomfort of being too comfortable with life's material gifts has lifted and I'm free again to spread my spirit.
The confusion grows throughout the day
escape there realities or risk the stay?
can I learn more is the question to ask
but then I get comfortable with a mask
My spirit is clouded by the material sheep
and the treasures get lost that I want to keep
the search is on when the boredom expands
and action conspires to meet life's demands
is it okay to leave them behind
in order to clear and treat ones own mind
will the sieve ever let satisfaction through
or will I always be consuming summer stew?
The intrinsic values that I believe help me to see what I have to achieve. I feel in the dumps today, my purpose too be here has not yet decayed. The weakness I feel around the untrue will make me stronger when performing on cue. Despite there weather and the swastika eyes, no one will be in charge of my demise. Keep the barrier between good and bad, and the expedition will not turn out sad
Despite the last paragraph's foretelling, I had not yet created the self-torturing plan of my own demise. That I unbearably recall was just a moment, split second in time before the madness of unveiled. I hope writing these words that it will have an end, that I do not seem too used to this role. There was always another way, still is with my mind mostly intact. My emotions are still of those June 24th 2011 with much added confusion and desperation to flee. The way others feel is out of my control and completely alright with me, all I ever wanted was truth.
.....Nearly 34, and knocking on death's door
where are you guys?
I've seen the face of one who knows sees all. He flew overseas to find me dancing in a bar in Prague to give me a sign for the future or a good feeling to hold onto when the times get tough. He touched my face, stroked it and told me I was precious. I saw in his eyes he knew something I didn't, something mysterious and deep. I was the only one in my group of friends who recognized the unconditional love of his presence. I had no fear of him.
I wonder now if his words were meant to comfort me in many times of great stress and depression beyond words to express. A memory that spoke truth that I was not alone. Was it also a significant sign that certain people knew who I was? Even prior to 2011? Thank you prophets if your sensing me, I wish I knew if I were failing you and how I could fix it.
My self is still a loner moving through crowds with senses acute to changes and ideas of what this or that movement meant. Profound or not, it keeps me sane enough to act it but it no longer entertains me post execution off the plan that almost killed me.
I am now lonely without kind people who live without attachments and fear. I need those who process the knowledge that wee are all one, all connected, selfless souls who do not judge and who are not concerned with bettering themselves with an analytical battle between the head and the heart. Or even more disastrous, a battle between finances vs. making a big decision that will influence others in a positive way. With These strange, hard to find strangers who can Read my mind I'd be able to heal my scars.
I worry for our future as a whole if people don't listen or believe what said and the plan that I created for everyone almost a decade ago. I was never supposed to be aa martyr which is making me very confused and sometimes upset in an introverted way. There was so much proof for the teachings I tried to pass on and the magical qualities of the universe. I hope we don't lose this bloodless war, is it really all up to me? So much of what I told you to do you took as unimportant. You executed something without my consent. You knew everything about me and you pushed me to the brink of suicide on many occasions knowing full well I had no support system. I don't hate or dislike you, I just want to talk. I cannot trust myself anymore after so many doctors, family and friends have told me that I cannot trust myself. Ryan told me it would last 6 years.....they said this and that none of it true now they are erased from society, I listen to music wondering if its a message from someone who knows my story, this comforts me.
Even strangers have told me at Kingston mines that I need to get off my parents cell phone bill and get a job after I gave a girl the necklace I had made following her comments about it. Her friend got very upset that I wanted no money for it, telling me to g4et a job and pay my own bills. I knew they had to be friends of Mike and Ryan since I told them nothing about me, they were judging me and telling me how too live my life with facts they heard from other people. That night I cried myself to sleep as usual. Wanting to die, too selfless to pull that plug. All alone in a world where I knew others had to have the same abilities and sensitivities. Once these people too seemed to only want to hurt me I lost all hope and hid, not releasing anything in the field. So misunderstood......
I love to dance, my true self naked to anyone whose watching. -G