The morning of my fourth meeting with Michael and Ryan would lead to a magical night that would change my life for the better.. at least temporarily until I ruined it with a plan. Michael and Ryan asked me to stay at their apartment while they went to work so we could hang out after. I wanted to but I also didn't want to wait around and I wanted to take photographs at the botanic gardens. I want to thank Michael and Ryan for giving me my first feeling of unconditional love. I was so touched that they would trust me, almost a stranger to stay at their apartment alone. My family loves me, I know this, but they've never been able to show it. All my past friends growing up, in high school or in college either wanted to straight up hurt me like Haley, or at some point showed a judgmental side. (Haley recently did a lot of damage to my brand new car because I blocked contact with her).
I felt zero judgement from Michael and Ryan, they accepted me the way I was in that moment. It was refreshing and it made. me feel safe and able to conquer anything. That night while laying in bed I decided not to take my ambien to sleep because I had trained my mind to be able too mimic the drugs affects on me on cue. I could even do this at the botanic gardens changing that way my brain functioned so I saw flowers as if they were out of a Van Gough painting, one of my favorite artists because of his fascinating life story and undiagnosed mental illness. I did see a little bit of myself in him after reading "Lust for life".
As I lay there I thought about a lot, but it came so easily and flowed like a river of emotions and memories that never disappeared. I knew I no longer had an "I", no attachments, I was sensitive, intuitive, but also strong, nothing anyone said about me got to me or took my calm demeanor away. I imagined myself in the holocaust, the Rwanda genocide, human trafficking, and I had full trust in myself that I would make the best of any situation and use my power to change anything I disliked with rational, good intentioned manipulation, trust from those that needed protecting and communication in code.
I then thought about what I would be like if I were born a boy. I was never into boys growing up, I had my first boyfriend in high school because I knew he liked me so I just went along with it. I still had learning to do back then. I decided I would be the same person aside from being gay. You can't change the changeless".
I then flashed back to a time in my childhood. I was 6 years old, we had recently moved into a new house in Wilmette from Virginia. My first friend in this new place was Katie. I instantly didn't like her but would never show it. Her parents knew my parents. At her house one day we went up to her room and she took all her clothes off, tied me up, dragged me into her closet and peed on me. I was much more confused than disturbed by this. I had no idea why anyone would want to do that or if it was normal for people in this new area. I knew I didn't like it though.
In my flashback to age 6, I didn't think of Katie, It was if I was completely experiencing a moment from my past again in the present with all my senses. I was sitting in the backyard in the grass, holding a blade of grass thinking how brilliant it was. I was so aware of my surroundings, the weather was perfect, it was sunny, the grass had dew, the Katie incident made me realize that we needed good and bad to learn and grow, to know our likes and dislikes so we can lead happy lives. Balance and philosophical thought can lead us to our full potential. Happy moments don't last, but they do live on. When suffering too is joyful I believe that is true enlightenment. Everything is brilliant. Everything makes sense. There is always a way to help the unhappy. I realized that night laying in bed that I had never changed since that moment. I was still the same person with the same values, likes and dislikes that I had when I was 6. Even before that.
For the first time in my life my back completely relaxed after suffering from back pain for years. That is where I keep all my stress. I then went into this dark space, darker than my basement room with no sign of any light. I felt so alone and I loved it! It was nothingness, there was nothing to fear. He who sees all beings in himself and himself in all beings loses all fear as well, this was just another beautiful path to the loss of fear. Next, this bright light filled my mind and my surroundings. It was wonderful and felt holy but I preferred the darkness so I went back.
The next morning I woke up and went outside to see my babies (dogs), Buddha and Botsie. They looked up at me, but not at me as usual. They were looking above my head as if I had a new aura and they looked scared and worried. It is true that the previous night I let go of all my loved ones as well but that didn't mean my unconditional love for them had dissipated, if anything it was stronger. I spent a lot of time comforting them and assuring them that I loved them no matter what, We had a secret intuitive way of communicating.
I then went inside to read the New York Times with my green tea latte. This magazine usually made me feel very emotionally passionate for the turmoil in the world. Something had slightly changed, Instead of taking in everything to understand what was going on I took everything in and started making intricate plans on how to fix these situations. Its too bad I didn't have a voice back then. I now experienced suffering and joy equally, always coming back to the same conclusions.
As weeks went on I learned more about my new abilities and felt that there were others nearby who knew who I was, We acknowledged each other without speaking. It was unspoken communication. Twice while I was driving people looked at me scared or maybe also a little intrigued and surprised, they almost got into car accidents.
About a week and a half after my experience when I ran errands I began hearing others thoughts as if they were talking out loud. This freaked me out but I needed to rule out schizophrenia so I tested my theories. I followed people around in the grocery store who had grocery lists. In their head they would say for example "horizon one gallon, whole milk". I would hear it out loud without seeing the list and they would pick out the same item I heard. I repeated this experiment several times. I then decided that I didn't feel comfortable invading others privacy but I could possibly use it in the future to help people.
I still remember the list of ridiculous things I said I had to do before the plan ended. I'm pretty sure I was just being silly and making things up, I was not serious. but I think you thought I was serious.
1.) grow my hair long (rapunzel)....check
2.) quit smoking.....check
3.) quit drugs....check
I forget the rest
I find it to be incredibly depressing that despite posting my writings on facebook I have received no friendly messages asking if I'm ok or anything at all from friends. I obviously don't have any. I'm ok with this, as pain is my world, not necessarily in a bad way anymore... but pain and pleasure have become equals now. I simply want answers to the past decade of torture or at least know that two peopler I once cared about more than myself are ok and happy. I know my writings have been a bit "all over the place". It was stressful writing about these events so I won't be posting much more until my entire memoir is finished.
Was our once love now unspeakable?
Is it frowned upon by those who feel the only way to be holy is to
relinquish any desires of having a partner in life?
I keep posting these little blog posts hoping they will find the right people. And if my memory isn't faltered then all my friends should know what I did over 9 nine years ago and would have seen the podcast I made. Was it really necessary though for me to go through all this pain without friends?
I am continuing to write my memoir with all the memories I haver of my life without leaving out the embarrassing or negative. I am a private person in nature so It's not the easiest thing in the world to be so open and naked. I have about 100 pages so far and am writing at a rapid but unman pace. It's been a decade now of hardship and depression that paralyzed me most of the time. I'm finally recovering with a vision for my future with the purpose of helping others succeed and ethically make decisions that could help the whole world....nothing unrealistic
I think I fell pretty instantly, for me at least, in love with Michael Owens is because I thought he really knew who he was. That is where I was in life too and its what I needed in a partner. I didn't want to be a teacher, mentor or guru to someone I was intimate with, I would feel like a parent. I wanted to share emotions and thoughts but I wanted to be completely in sync with that person, sharing our thoughts so we could always be at our full potential with each other. I wanted a strong other half that wanted to help change the world with me, without dying in the process. I wanted to sing, dance, be goofy and enjoy life everyday, knowing when he needed me, needed to confide in me, needed to vent but I didn't want to have to teach my lover to know what he liked, disliked or what they wanted in as partner in case once they found out I wasn't the one they wanted to be with. I never want to get divorced unless I marry someone for the sole purpose of getting them citizenship which was the case for hanging out with Warwick a second time, but obviously we didn't go through with anything.