Shoplifting is a drug similar to those that are injected or ingested as it can become addictive. I know this far too well.....a decade ago, before individuals decided to execute the plan I created that involved the demise of my very put together mind that was then capable of anything, I never thought I would steal. At the age of 6 I stole sewing needles from a toy store because I wasn't allowed to use them yet and vowed never again.
I have now been arrested twice for taking items from stores that did not belong to me and for that I am greatly sorry. There are many reasons for my unusually negative and illegal activity, mental illness being at the top. When it felt as though everyone was taking all the life out of me by making my whole life into a fabricated lie that I couldn't comprehend, I became suicidal on a daily basis and found that taking in return allowed me to maintain some internal control. Addiction is a mental illness that usually sneaks up on you. I think I may be the only person I know who became addicted to a behavior partly on purpose. No one desires the suffering addiction brings and I strongly hope there is always help for those that become lost enough to fall into its trap.
The first time I stole (after age 6), I thought "people may be watching my every move on camera, documenting my fall from grace so I might as well give them somer life lessons on what not to do in order to avoid suffering and a criminal record, but also to shed light on at least one outcome of mental illness so there would be some sort of point to my confusing plan.
I remember party of my plan was to do certain things that would never hurt anyone but would make people not trust me and possibly despise me to further blow their minds with pure truth as done in my psychologists office and the night of June 24th, 2011. If people could be shown that their assumptions and judgements about a person were initially wrong, it could open minds, cease racism, homophobia etc. The endgame I believe was to do the impossible; attempt to change the world for the better. Input understanding and compassion into the minds of the stubbornly ignorant who possible never knew any better.
I promise stealing was the worst that I am capable of. I was desperate years after my first arrest for an ending to my suffering and some answers to my lost memories that I began to do it again, for the wave of sanity that came over me afterwards was similar to a drug high. At the same time I hoped to get caught so that it would be made public so I could have a chance to explain. I half expected people to end my deep hurt if I continued downwards. I thought surely eventually someone would want it to end and they would be kind enough to tell me the truth revolving around my plan instead of calling the police.
I have left some of the unintelligible posts up as an example of what happens when someone is put through as much perplexing misery as I have. My scatterbrain runs rampant on heightened anxiety from too much pressure and lack of benzodiazepines.
It can make you feel like your completely losing your mind when cameras are put in your living quarters without your full awareness of them and no one to confirm or deny your theories of a confusing past. It often feels as though people are talking about me without knowing my identity, only knowing things such as my prior heroine addiction if there were cameras. I just let it all go like always, it comes quite naturally to wipe it away.
I never choose anything to believe in aside from being a good person because I simply like to be nice and ease suffering if I can. Why believe if I don't have a way to know anything for sure, the universe has endless possibilities. However, at times I worry I'm doing the wrong thing to get me out of the mess I created. I try to have faith in myself a decade ago, trusting that I knew exactly what I was doing, thinking through every risk, making no mistakes and allowing room for unexpected events.
I know I contradict myself at times, it can be hard to explain everything that goes on up there in my head thoroughly....I will be much more detailed in my memoir.
This is what I came here for. The euphoria that comes with life's revelations. The moments when everything seems perfect the way it is and all doubt evaporates. This is how I felt today while hiking to a majestic Himalayan village. (khati)The scenery unreal, the air crisp with the slight humor of being surrounded by crops of marijuana without the past or present habit, along with vibrant mountain flowers. Life can't Get any better than these moments of bliss. Once again the discomfort of being too comfortable with life's material gifts has lifted and I'm free again to spread my spirit.
The confusion grows throughout the day
escape there realities or risk the stay?
can I learn more is the question to ask
but then I get comfortable with a mask
My spirit is clouded by the material sheep
and the treasures get lost that I want to keep
the search is on when the boredom expands
and action conspires to meet life's demands
is it okay to leave them behind
in order to clear and treat ones own mind
will the sieve ever let satisfaction through
or will I always be consuming summer stew?
The intrinsic values that I believe help me to see what I have to achieve. I feel in the dumps today, my purpose too be here has not yet decayed. The weakness I feel around the untrue will make me stronger when performing on cue. Despite there weather and the swastika eyes, no one will be in charge of my demise. Keep the barrier between good and bad, and the expedition will not turn out sad
Despite the last paragraph's foretelling, I had not yet created the self-torturing plan of my own demise. That I unbearably recall was just a moment, split second in time before the madness of unveiled. I hope writing these words that it will have an end, that I do not seem too used to this role. There was always another way, still is with my mind mostly intact. My emotions are still of those June 24th 2011 with much added confusion and desperation to flee. The way others feel is out of my control and completely alright with me, all I ever wanted was truth.
.....Nearly 34, and knocking on death's door
I've seen the face of one who knows sees all. He flew overseas to find me dancing in a bar in Prague to give me a sign for the future or a good feeling to hold onto when the times get tough. He touched my face, stroked it and told me I was precious. I saw in his eyes he knew something I didn't, something mysterious and deep. I was the only one in my group of friends who recognized the unconditional love of his presence. I had no fear of him.
I wonder now if his words were meant to comfort me in many times of great stress and depression beyond words to express. A memory that spoke truth that I was not alone. Was it also a significant sign that certain people knew who I was? Even prior to 2011? Thank you prophets if your sensing me, I wish I knew if I were failing you and how I could fix it.
My self is still a loner moving through crowds with senses acute to changes and ideas of what this or that movement meant. Profound or not, it keeps me sane enough to act it but it no longer entertains me post execution off the plan that almost killed me.
I am now lonely without kind people who live without attachments and fear. I need those who process the knowledge that wee are all one, all connected, selfless souls who do not judge and who are not concerned with bettering themselves with an analytical battle between the head and the heart. Or even more disastrous, a battle between finances vs. making a big decision that will influence others in a positive way. With These strange, hard to find strangers who can Read my mind I'd be able to heal my scars.
I worry for our future as a whole if people don't listen or believe what said and the plan that I created for everyone almost a decade ago. I was never supposed to be aa martyr which is making me very confused and sometimes upset in an introverted way. There was so much proof for the teachings I tried to pass on and the magical qualities of the universe. I hope we don't lose this bloodless war, is it really all up to me? So much of what I told you to do you took as unimportant. You executed something without my consent. You knew everything about me and you pushed me to the brink of suicide on many occasions knowing full well I had no support system. I don't hate or dislike you, I just want to talk. I cannot trust myself anymore after so many doctors, family and friends have told me that I cannot trust myself. Ryan told me it would last 6 years.....they said this and that none of it true now they are erased from society, I listen to music wondering if its a message from someone who knows my story, this comforts me.
Even strangers have told me at Kingston mines that I need to get off my parents cell phone bill and get a job after I gave a girl the necklace I had made following her comments about it. Her friend got very upset that I wanted no money for it, telling me to g4et a job and pay my own bills. I knew they had to be friends of Mike and Ryan since I told them nothing about me, they were judging me and telling me how too live my life with facts they heard from other people. That night I cried myself to sleep as usual. Wanting to die, too selfless to pull that plug. All alone in a world where I knew others had to have the same abilities and sensitivities. Once these people too seemed to only want to hurt me I lost all hope and hid, not releasing anything in the field. So misunderstood......
The morning of my fourth meeting with Michael and Ryan would lead to a magical night that would change my life for the better.. at least temporarily until I ruined it with a plan. Michael and Ryan asked me to stay at their apartment while they went to work so we could hang out after. I wanted to but I also didn't want to wait around and I wanted to take photographs at the botanic gardens. I want to thank Michael and Ryan for giving me my first feeling of unconditional love. I was so touched that they would trust me, almost a stranger to stay at their apartment alone. My family loves me, I know this, but they've never been able to show it. All my past friends growing up, in high school or in college either wanted to straight up hurt me like Haley, or at some point showed a judgmental side. (Haley recently did a lot of damage to my brand new car because I blocked contact with her).
I felt zero judgement from Michael and Ryan, they accepted me the way I was in that moment. It was refreshing and it made. me feel safe and able to conquer anything. That night while laying in bed I decided not to take my ambien to sleep because I had trained my mind to be able too mimic the drugs affects on me on cue. I could even do this at the botanic gardens changing that way my brain functioned so I saw flowers as if they were out of a Van Gough painting, one of my favorite artists because of his fascinating life story and undiagnosed mental illness. I did see a little bit of myself in him after reading "Lust for life".
As I lay there I thought about a lot, but it came so easily and flowed like a river of emotions and memories that never disappeared. I knew I no longer had an "I", no attachments, I was sensitive, intuitive, but also strong, nothing anyone said about me got to me or took my calm demeanor away. I imagined myself in the holocaust, the Rwanda genocide, human trafficking, and I had full trust in myself that I would make the best of any situation and use my power to change anything I disliked with rational, good intentioned manipulation, trust from those that needed protecting and communication in code.
I then thought about what I would be like if I were born a boy. I was never into boys growing up, I had my first boyfriend in high school because I knew he liked me so I just went along with it. I still had learning to do back then. I decided I would be the same person aside from being gay. You can't change the changeless".
I then flashed back to a time in my childhood. I was 6 years old, we had recently moved into a new house in Wilmette from Virginia. My first friend in this new place was Katie. I instantly didn't like her but would never show it. Her parents knew my parents. At her house one day we went up to her room and she took all her clothes off, tied me up, dragged me into her closet and peed on me. I was much more confused than disturbed by this. I had no idea why anyone would want to do that or if it was normal for people in this new area. I knew I didn't like it though.
In my flashback to age 6, I didn't think of Katie, It was if I was completely experiencing a moment from my past again in the present with all my senses. I was sitting in the backyard in the grass, holding a blade of grass thinking how brilliant it was. I was so aware of my surroundings, the weather was perfect, it was sunny, the grass had dew, the Katie incident made me realize that we needed good and bad to learn and grow, to know our likes and dislikes so we can lead happy lives. Balance and philosophical thought can lead us to our full potential. Happy moments don't last, but they do live on. When suffering too is joyful I believe that is true enlightenment. Everything is brilliant. Everything makes sense. There is always a way to help the unhappy. I realized that night laying in bed that I had never changed since that moment. I was still the same person with the same values, likes and dislikes that I had when I was 6. Even before that.
For the first time in my life my back completely relaxed after suffering from back pain for years. That is where I keep all my stress. I then went into this dark space, darker than my basement room with no sign of any light. I felt so alone and I loved it! It was nothingness, there was nothing to fear. He who sees all beings in himself and himself in all beings loses all fear as well, this was just another beautiful path to the loss of fear. Next, this bright light filled my mind and my surroundings. It was wonderful and felt holy but I preferred the darkness so I went back.
The next morning I woke up and went outside to see my babies (dogs), Buddha and Botsie. They looked up at me, but not at me as usual. They were looking above my head as if I had a new aura and they looked scared and worried. It is true that the previous night I let go of all my loved ones as well but that didn't mean my unconditional love for them had dissipated, if anything it was stronger. I spent a lot of time comforting them and assuring them that I loved them no matter what, We had a secret intuitive way of communicating.
I then went inside to read the New York Times with my green tea latte. This magazine usually made me feel very emotionally passionate for the turmoil in the world. Something had slightly changed, Instead of taking in everything to understand what was going on I took everything in and started making intricate plans on how to fix these situations. Its too bad I didn't have a voice back then. I now experienced suffering and joy equally, always coming back to the same conclusions.
As weeks went on I learned more about my new abilities and felt that there were others nearby who knew who I was, We acknowledged each other without speaking. It was unspoken communication. Twice while I was driving people looked at me scared or maybe also a little intrigued and surprised, they almost got into car accidents.
About a week and a half after my experience when I ran errands I began hearing others thoughts as if they were talking out loud. This freaked me out but I needed to rule out schizophrenia so I tested my theories. I followed people around in the grocery store who had grocery lists. In their head they would say for example "horizon one gallon, whole milk". I would hear it out loud without seeing the list and they would pick out the same item I heard. I repeated this experiment several times. I then decided that I didn't feel comfortable invading others privacy but I could possibly use it in the future to help people.
I still remember the list of ridiculous things I said I had to do before the plan ended. I'm pretty sure I was just being silly and making things up, I was not serious. but I think you thought I was serious.
1.) grow my hair long (rapunzel)....check
2.) quit smoking.....check
3.) quit drugs....check
I forget the rest
I find it to be incredibly depressing that despite posting my writings on facebook I have received no friendly messages asking if I'm ok or anything at all from friends. I obviously don't have any. I'm ok with this, as pain is my world, not necessarily in a bad way anymore... but pain and pleasure have become equals now. I simply want answers to the past decade of torture or at least know that two peopler I once cared about more than myself are ok and happy. I know my writings have been a bit "all over the place". It was stressful writing about these events so I won't be posting much more until my entire memoir is finished.
Was our once love now unspeakable?
Is it frowned upon by those who feel the only way to be holy is to
relinquish any desires of having a partner in life?
I keep posting these little blog posts hoping they will find the right people. And if my memory isn't faltered then all my friends should know what I did over 9 nine years ago and would have seen the podcast I made. Was it really necessary though for me to go through all this pain without friends?
I am continuing to write my memoir with all the memories I haver of my life without leaving out the embarrassing or negative. I am a private person in nature so It's not the easiest thing in the world to be so open and naked. I have about 100 pages so far and am writing at a rapid but unman pace. It's been a decade now of hardship and depression that paralyzed me most of the time. I'm finally recovering with a vision for my future with the purpose of helping others succeed and ethically make decisions that could help the whole world....nothing unrealistic
I think I fell pretty instantly, for me at least, in love with Michael Owens is because I thought he really knew who he was. That is where I was in life too and its what I needed in a partner. I didn't want to be a teacher, mentor or guru to someone I was intimate with, I would feel like a parent. I wanted to share emotions and thoughts but I wanted to be completely in sync with that person, sharing our thoughts so we could always be at our full potential with each other. I wanted a strong other half that wanted to help change the world with me, without dying in the process. I wanted to sing, dance, be goofy and enjoy life everyday, knowing when he needed me, needed to confide in me, needed to vent but I didn't want to have to teach my lover to know what he liked, disliked or what they wanted in as partner in case once they found out I wasn't the one they wanted to be with. I never want to get divorced unless I marry someone for the sole purpose of getting them citizenship which was the case for hanging out with Warwick a second time, but obviously we didn't go through with anything.