Welcome to the weird and wonderful, confusing, sad, empty, full, blizzard of ______.
I really wish someone would help me out and just straight up tell me if my freedom is up to me or tell my story because I erased part of my memory and I wish I never created a psychological game out of my life. I'm ok though, I'll survive. I'll figure this out. "I know mike and Ryan stole my identity recently not for money but maybe to let me know they didn't forget about me. I gave them my entire life story, my social security number, bank account number, everything. I wanted them to put cameras in my house and car or at least listening devices. I think they did, I know they were at least in the house and in my bedroom because they put one of my ambiens on the floor as a sign that they were executing the plan. I wanted my suffering to be a lesson and a way for people to learn lessons through me instead of experiencing it themselves. A few years after June 24th 2011 at Kingston mines with a friend. I had made a lot of bookmarks out of leather, chain, feathers and pretty buttons. I passed them out to friendly people and told them it was incentive to read :) I overheard many people say my name and talk about me I was used to it by that point, it was driving me towards insanity but I managed to stay strong enough to survive. It hadn't happened in awhile though because I isolated myself to avoid all the mess I created and stay stable minded. I wasn't eating or exercising and I was smoking cigarettes (I quit in June). So at one point I couldn't take it and I fell to the floor and while laying down, balling my eyes out , I begged for someone to kill me. I was not faking it. A guy, he looked asian but he felt like Michael picked me up and brought me outside. I felt unconditional love the second he touched me and the despair was gone completely. I heard someone yell "Michael, there's magic in it" If I really did do magic June 24th 2011 then I can do it again but I wouldn't want to. I like life natural, but I also think I need my love, my other half, the person who can bring me back to life for good. I wouldn't blame him though if he hates me I just want to know he's happy ok. I would love to even b e his friend. Anyway, Michael or someone that said he was Michael Owens, or Michael in disguise (I clueless) said he was in love with me, he tried to kiss me. It didn't look like him and I'm used to using all my senses but I'm an INFJ and my feelings trump thinking so it was usual for me not to reciprocate. It's because I don't trust anyone anymore. It felt like him and I regret that I didn't kiss him back everyday. Maybe we would be married with a child now if I had trusted my gut and intuition but my mind was so twisted and damaged from so much deception and confusion that I was not used to. Before June 24th 2011 I was used to knowing everything. Friends would always come to me with questions knowing I would know the right answer and trusting that if I didn't know I would be honest and say I didn't know instead of giving wrong information. I never assumed, I always checked sources, I was extremely observant like a spy, or a spider from game of thrones :) Whenever I entered a new room I would make sure I knew all exits, I would note all decorations even how many inches a painting was in relation to a door for instance and it would make me smile or curious if anything moved from its usual spot because I like change. I could also be a Chameleon with my personality if the opportunity opted in or someone needed me to act differently to get what they wanted as long as it didn't hurt anyone and it was morally acceptable. My morals change every moment but I wouldn't kill a fly. If someone was about to kill me or someone else and there was no way I could save myself or them without killing the violator I wouldn't feel guilty. I would find out what caused their behavior if I could to understand to maybe help someone else avoid the same fate. I read a lot of spy books such as Daniel Silva. I'm a fan of Gabriel Allon. His books made studying abroad in Prague even more fun because they take place in Europe. So when I went into fantasy mode for fun, roaming the streets, trying not to me seen and listening to conversations practicing my Czech skills. I would follow interesting people to see where they were going out of curiosity. I would often just sit on a my favorite bench on a side street close to the main square and drink champagne and eat strawberries from the street market. In my head I would make up life stories, careers and salaries for passerby (I'm never bored if I'm happy because I have a pretty ok imagination). If I'm a zombie on unnecessary medication my imagination, personality, everything is erased and I might as well not exist. I'm a huge Harry Potter fan and Prague had a bank that reminded me of Gringots. It was great, so much fun. I didn't need my lexpro.
I got way off topic. I should probably organize my whole life and turn it into a book because I have a lot to say. I'm writing as if I were speaking out loud. I asked the Michael or stranger outside Kingston mines how to end this. He said do magic again. I said I didn't want to. He knew why...because life is already b beautiful and magical. He said it would last the rest of my life if I slept with the friend that I had arrived with, warwick, a nice South African dude. I'll call the person Michael because I feel like it was him ands I ducked everything up and I have to fix it. When he said it could last my whole life my hearty fell I was ,mortified. I'm doing everything I can to fix anything I may have done wrong. I'm healing myself, I'm learning again and I know what I want to do as a career finally. When I have money I will hire a private investigator who I wouldn't trust either but its worth a shot. I also don't know what's up with my website and who's reading this. I used to get thousands of hits a day when I wasn't even posting much now I get two visitors. If your reading this I'm so sorry for all my mistakes I made out of insanity, depression, loneliness, no self worth, heartbroken, just broken, brain damaged, I could go on forever. When I think about the the overdoses and drug usage alone its really a miracle I'm alive. I really hope you never fell as low. I hope you had many good, honest and strong friends even if you never were really even liked me. If you left me behind I understand but I really honestly hope you waited. But I also hope you were never lonely. If I'm not schizophrenic like you said outside Kingston mines then I'm pretty sure 5 years ago I had a lot of insightful conversations with "the masters" or whoever er they are, I also overheard you. I'm probably crazy though, I just won't tell anyone and hope no psychiatrists read this. When I looked in your eyes to see if you were telling the truth (back then I still had the ability to tell if someone was lying) your eyes looked orange and the irises were strange and not real. They were very unusual contacts. The next day I looked online to see if there were eye contact cameras and there were. I wasn't sure if I was delusional or not but that opened up new doors and questions that I didn't have the energy for before. I'm so sorry if I got so startled by your eyes and tried to leave. I didn't want to leave you but I had no friends and was .lonely all the time and someone was willing to hang out with me that night and I'm a really. loyal person and good friend to have. I treat my friends like family and drop everything I'm doing for a friend in need. I would also die for my friends. I would be proud to, I'm not afraid of death I'm honestly kind of excited to find out whats next however I don't want to leave or hurt my family so I'm only willing to die if it meant life would be better without me and with someone else. I still feel a little worthless and happy people (I'm working on it) are capable of a lot more good than depressed people most of the time so thats how I rationalize my imaginary sacrificial death brigade that will probably never happen. I was sop comfortable with you outside Kingston I'm so sorry I left you, I ignore your signs because I'm also terrified that what I created was actually executed. Maybe I'm scared of power. I'm scared of what I'm capable of because I hav e no encouragement no-one to tell me the truth no one to comfort me, give me unconditional love to be my full potential in a split second. If you repeat that night you were weirdly disguised I promise I will never leave. I think you were also in a car in front of me driving on Dempster. It looked like you in the side mirror and you lifted up your hat so I could see if you were bald. I wouldn't care at all if you are. I love all your faults, decisions, our brief but magical past that I want to be our future and present as well. You got off at the lake street exit I didn't follow. I was scared. There was a girl in the car with you and I intuitively felt like that was probably your wife and you were going to tell m e that the plan failed, I suffered for nothing and you had moved on. I've learned to assume the worst so I'm not as hurt when it hits. I regret not following that day too, the truth would. be better than nothing. I'm also not sure if it was Ryan who saved me from Drew's physical abuse,. It looked like him, I was extremely distressed though so I didn't say anything. His polish accent was perfect. One day when I smoking a cigarette on Drew's balcony to get away from his constant repetition the made me feel insane, someone on the balcony above me said "It all makes sense". I'm pretty sure that was a message for me especially since I talked out loud on the balcony about June 24th 2011 and all coincidences that happened especially at the art center (I'm. so sorry for ever starting to innocently shoplift making is quite the addictive habit for awhile out of irrational insights into my confusion of everything that was happening in my life and out of the desire for help, I needed desperately for someone to say something to my face, I was acting out for attention. People would follow me around in ultra, observe me and talk about me, judging me. It was so frustrating it made me hate myself because they didn't like me so I matched my behavior to my self image. The day after Kingston mines I felt alive but I also felt a little out of my mind. Warwick and I went to the corner bakery in wilmette to have breakfast with my dad (quick memory note before I forget, one of the first things you said to me outside was that I was beautiful...I haven't cared what I look like since junior high and I don't choose partners based on looks either, thats the honest truth. Attraction is a plus but not necessary for love. Michael Owens is not someone most people would look at twice, however from, the moment I saw him I thought he was the hottest guy I had ever seen. I know he's my soulmate even though I may not be his which is a depressing thought but sometimes the truth hurts I'm ready for it anytime someone wants to come clean or save me. June 24th 2011 I knew I would never fall in love with anyone else, I knew at Kingston mines the moment I saw him that I wanted to marry him, It was spiritual, magical, meant to be, written in the stars, known by the brightest. Together we could do great things, apart we my become broken I hope you were never sad like me. I need to fix everything its my life goal. I'm slowly going to recover and find you. outsider Kingston I asked you if you ever got my love letters, you said no. you also didn't know that you had contacted my father, not me and threatened to get a restraining orders because of my innocent love letters. I know everything must make sense its just a lot of information with no way to verify any of it. It's the hardest puzzle I've ever faced, so frustrating. I'm so worried about you and Ryan. I'm not even going to go into my psychic visions. Before all this I could confirm and see if my intuition was true. I never assumed, however I was never wrong. If I went through my entire life, childhood, school, friends you would understand how I turned out like this, I'm unusual. You blocked me on facebook so I can't even see a picture of you to make me feel warm. Although the would be a bit strange since I don't know if you feel the same way. I don't really see how you could see me that way, love me or forgive me for everything after what I turned into. I became boring, m ute, depressed, suicidal, a drug abuser, an innocent criminal, I cheated on you, although you did first which nearly killed me but then I decided that I was happy for you, I would never want you to suffer. I was so broken not even nature could ease my soul. My next boyfriend was a year later, Andrew. We met on a backpacking trip. I tried to make friends through meetu-up groups but everyone somehow knew who I was and everyones was acting, people didn't take me seriously or judged me when they clearly misunderstood me, I couldn't handle it so I became a hermit that didn't do anything. In therapy with Robin Ross I remembered that I told you guys to t4ell her everything and show her the podcast I made that night so I didn't know what to say, do, or act. I said nothing about you guys, ever, until she brought it up one day which opens up a whole new can of worms and memory loss confusion that I can't forget either. It's impossible to move on from all this. I run on my emotions. I'm naturally a positive thinker but its so hard to have enough hope sometimes to ge3t up in the morning a be productive. Please help, going to bed, goodnight.
I began smoking cigarettes one day in between walking dogs for people. I was so stressed out because I was confused I didn't know what I'll your signals meant or what I was supposed to do. The pressure to do the impossible (which I still believe is actually possible) without love was killing me. I need my other half. One, two or even three benzodiazepines wouldn't work and no doctor would prescribe mer ten a day so I bought a pack of American spirits went to elder beach and smoked a c cigarette. At first it was disgusting but the motion and the act took some off the anxiety away temporarily and helped me calm down. Any one point years later when I wanted to try to quit but deep down I really didn't want to, knew I wouldn't yet, and intuitively felt that I wasn't supposed to yet. Not that my life completely revolves around the plan and what I'm supposed to do and not do. I'm still a free spirit struggling without love. I only have myself. Lies surround me.
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I love to dance, my true self naked to anyone whose watching. -G