Welcome to the weird and wonderful, confusing, sad, empty, full, blizzard of ______.
song lyrics that haunt me, scare the shit out of me, make me question my sanity and reality, (don't worry I know they are most likely not about my plan), lyrics that intrigue me, lyrics that relate to my past, even before June 24th 2011, lyrics that I ho
"and I did not want our love to be erased
but lord knows wee chased it, love just rearranged us"
"she only knows if someone wants her
I want them if they want me
I only know they want me"
"every addict has illusions"
and my baby, is the only one, left when it's dire?
she said a change is gonna some love, but it's all on us"
"on the day you left I could tell by your text that you were gonna ruin my life.
you said you said you wanted a plan
I'm always waiting for for you, girl"
"hold on tight, I think I might have wasted all my time on fear"
"have faith in the good, go find your truth
make your move and let your love shine through
have faith in the good, no we won't lose
theres too much proof we'll never lose"
"wonder if I'm ever gonna come back for you
wonder if we were born to see this through
when you're the only one I ever belong to"
"your eyes like sinking balloons
Merry 'Christmas babe, I hope we make it through
when every holiday I feel that depression from all of this pressure"
(....I have emotionally died so many times over the past decade due to stress and pressure from my ridiculous plan which I know was at least executed the first few years, I don't know if I failed and everyone gave up on me. I still promise that anything is possible, I'm a hermit getting stranger and stronger by the day after recovering from illness, I still have hope)
"It's always Christmas where you
cause no one is dying soon
cause we don't have to lie like them, we're already lost
(......When the execution began, I was terrified and stressed out to the max because I had memory gaps and didn't know how to fill them with truth anymore. I never used to have to lie but I'm afraid I became close to a pathological liar when everyone else was lying to me to protect myself and create a shell, I'm done with that...back to the eight fold path for me but much weirder and less calm than a monk because I have a large amount of energy to spread)
"and if you love it, write it down
but this old love was all I ever found
can everybody see how a woman changed me
and I don't want anyone else,
this love in your arms, after lust"
"don't apologizer for what you had to do
and I always got the feeling you'd start digging"
(I chose to I guess sacrifice for the greater good but only for a period of time, not my whole life. I told Ryan that I was strong enough and to do it. I knew then exactly what would happen and what the pain would feel like and do to me. /I also knew I would survive and come out stronger. I know I haven't told you my plan yet so you may be confused if your reading this. I've been doing ketamine treatments to help rebuild my synapse connections hoping to bring memories back and it is slowly working, it just takes time. I don't know a lot about astrology, however in college I bought "the birthday book" and did a test. I wrote down all my friends birthdays and personalities in detail without opening the book then looked, It was pretty accurate. The newer version in more accurate than the old. In short I'm intuitive, visionary and conceptual, but Also self-sacrificing, detached and overstressed, day of the space voyager, I used to be so intuitive that I could finish everyones sentences which I stopped doing right away because it made people uncomfortable. My plan took away my intuition when everything was a lie and I couldn't trust myself or anyone else, I had to find a new, uncomfortable way of morphing into society. I truly thought I might be schizophrenic for awhile but strangers would say that I was not, I sensed that these individuals were trying to help me as they also gave proof by mentioning Ryan and Michael or I would overhear them say things like "we ruined her life". It did feel like my life was ruined for awhile especially when they put me on an antipsychotic shot for a year which turned me into a zombie who wouldn't leave my apartment and I would sleep 16 hours a day them watch Netflix. It was not a life so when I saw a way out through drew I took it. Unfortunately he introduced me to opioids when eventually turned me into a heroin addict. I can truly describe withdrawal from heroin as anxiety you would get from waiting in the hospital for a loved one after a car accident, not knowing if they would survive. Mixed with the depression of true heartbreak which I knew well by now and the physical pain of kidney stones. I relapsed once, then sent to a clinic to get help with bupenorphine. I've never had anything to prove and I haven't cared what anyone thought about me since junior high and I thought that there would be so many people that would save me from myself and understand me but maybe the plan was so good and possibly effective that it will be worth it in the end. When I was extremely close to hanging myself one day...I had my head in the hanging belt while standing on a ladder crying and repeating g over and over "mom, papa, calder, buddha, botsie)...dogs, I thought I heard people try to get in although I locked the door. I heard them say "we have to get her out of this, call Ryan". I have no I idea if this was a delusion or not. I truly don't know if I'm sane or nuts. I thankfully had some Vicodin for my back pain to take to help me calm down and be strong enough to survive the depression that was killing me. I'm ok with that now, but I will write about it and hopefully people will learn something. I haven't been able to have a healthy relationship then past decade because I wouldn't lie to anyone. I told them I was still in love with someone else, I was just lonely. (sorry if I'm repeating myself from the past post). I don't have any girlfriends because girls don't like me for some reason, I get glares when I go out especially at Kingston mines. I mean no harm, it confuses me. I did get a little too obsessed with finding answers and became delusional, breaking moral code and shoplifting from stores who had insurance to purposefully get caught and try to get answers from the police thinking that they would know something and trying to make a point to anyone monitoring me that sometimes good people do bad things. I'm on a writing roll, writing as I would speak but feeling as though I wrote this earlier today, I don't remember I'm a bit frazzled. At Walgreens today I accidentally walked out with a speaker when I went to get my phone out of me car while waiting for a script. I ofcourse ended up paying for it, I know not to repeat mistakes and I know the police won't tell me anything unless I decide to become the next Jesus, cut my foot off, laugh and quickly reattach it. Or make it rain cats and dogs and tell them to adopt them all quickly pairing owner with animal for the best emotional, outcome. Some police really need sensitivity training possibly in the form of caring for a something else living. I'm going to hop in a slightly different direction now....Ambien has always been an anti-depressant for me and I do credit it for keeping me alive. During the worst if I couldn't hallucinate and get some peace I would have killed myself with a cocktail of drugs I looked up. On ambien my hallucinations are usually faces that I've never seen. They are so beautiful, not in an sexy attractive way but in a worldly connective way. They are usually older faces with wrinkles of wisdom, 7 billion of them. I always wonder if my creative mind is creating them or if they exist in reality and ambien is my tool to get through the gateway too see "the others". I sometimes for fun talk to them (I am completely detached from the world in a healthy way...my psychologist told me I dissociated and I completely agreed but I however see it as a positive thing, I am self aware. But when I am alone I can live in a fantasy world, be strange and free and switch back to reality in a split second if need be). I don't necessarily talk to the faces outlaid. I like to communicate through feeling especially with animals. My facial expression, calm demeanor and mannerisms show that I'm innocent and safe, I highly sought the faces would pick up on that, they probably are just in my head but if hey are on another plane or just visiting me maybe they can just feel who I am if I try to feel love for them and all. I truly believe all is one but I'm aware that's unusual and its the reason for a lot of suffering. My dad first introduced me to ambien the night I broke up with my long time first boyfriend Chris for the first, second, or third time...I lost track of how many times he lied big time, cheated, or howe many times I broke up with him. I took it occasionally after that. The first time I ever saw a psychiatrist I was 17, I was depressed from Chris's lies and the breakup. The doctor prescribed me lexapro which helped. The second time I saw a psychiatrist was when I was 22 after I returned from my Munich au pair experience. I was suicidal and lost. He diagnosed me with add and prescribed made vyvanse. My life changed for the better. (sorry if I'm rambling). I became focused, happy, productive and driven. I started reading everything I got my hands open and I was able to soak up the information for the first time. I felt like I could get into Harvard if I were a student again but I had already graduated college. (I had a photographic memory that is how I got through school while rarely actually attending, I was busy climbing mountains). When I stopped being able to trust myself that talent disappeared too. I read medical books and made connections to the human body and illnesses that were not yet founded, I read many textbooks in every subject, I nannied 2 and 3 year old boys who I loved deeply (It had to end because they started calling me mom). I took world religions class which I found fascinating snuff realized that I had followed there eight fold path without knowing it, I trained running 9-13 miles a day in order two climb mountains in the himalaysd in India where we got stuck in a week long blizzard, having to shovel our way out of the tent so we wouldn't suffocate every three hours. While in the tent I read every book on mountaineering, how to survive an avalanche, how to read weather patterns etc. I Japanese team on the mountain next to us perished in an avalanche. During the first three days of the blizzard I was sick so a guide gave me one mystery pill that knocked me out for three days straight so at least I didn't have to shovel the first three days. I think I got stressed by my two tent mates who were quite immature and disrespectful. They put heavy rocks in my pack when I wasn't looking to slow me down. When we ended the mountaineering portion and got to a tiny village with one or two buildings I was the only one who brought money and they wanted to slaughter a sheep to eat. I was the only girl without a true voice yet to stand up for myself so I agreed to pay for their meal out of deep regret for the death of an animal that I was never in a million years going to eat mostly because I didn't want to get sick and knew no ones body was going to take it well. I foresaw myself carrying all their weight while they threw up and had diarrhea. I selfishly and out of spite took the pepto bismol I brought instead of giving it to someone who ate the animal because I did eat the rice and knew my body wasn't used to the village food yet. I was dumbfounded that no one else brought pepto bismol on a trip in a different country, I thought that was common sense. If I had known I would have brought enough for everyone. One of the guys smeared at me because I wouldn't give him my last three round pink chalky things that would keep me feeling healthy. I could have cared less. I had empathy for his sickness but I wasn't one of the bros, I didn't care or know the technical names of every gadget and all the details of the brands of outerwear they brought so I was alone in conversation unless one of them was in the mood to flirt or try a move on me which I was patient with but uninterested. I had a boyfriend at the time, Charlie who I cared about a lot. However on my trip I came to the conclusion that when I got back I would have to end the relationship because its was time for me to be on my own and reach my full potential which I had a feeling would be in a spiritual form. When I got to the hot4el the first night I got to India I cried in my room after talking to Charlie on the phone because I missed him and I may have been a little culture shocked despite being a world traveler. This always briefly happens to me the first night in new places though including admitting myself to the psych ward 5 times for b being so suicidal I needed to protect myself from hurting my family. After my brief cry in India I decided to change my sadness so I went to explore the streets. I wanted to observe so I found an extremely shanty town-like ditch to sit in and watch, I thought it was cozy. I ended up falling asleep there. when I woke up the people of New Delhi were still busting about, I decided to return to my room where I had a bed. When I took my world religions class it was just for fun so on a whim I skipped the final and decided to do a NOLS wilderness medicine course at Louise and clark university in Oregon. I camped In the woods the first night I got there, the forest was beautiful, the constant rain was beautiful, I kept listening to Enya, wild child and Jeff buckle Hallelujah and Coldplay scientist along with other songs that I attached to my new environment. After the first day of class one guy who appeared normal and safe at first offered to drive me to the store to buy a watch which we needed for class. On the way he kept asking very personal, detailed questions like my parents names and professions, I noticed in the back of his van something that looked like it was used to swipe credit cards. I began blatantly avoiding his questions. He said he wanted to bed a doctor in a small town who would attend to his patients in their homes. In class I was observant with everything everyone said, their expressions, their mannerisms, their personalities. This guy said he done this class three times now, pretty much the same as everyone else except me, the first timer, yet he didn't pick up on anything quickly and didn't know the correct answers to questions we had just gone over In depth. He said he was a fire fighter who jumped out of helicopters. This signaled to me that he could possibly be an ex prisoner but I could always be wrong. He said he was camping too and that he wanted to camp with me. When I got out of the the van and walked towards the grocery store we were shopping at I overheard him open the phone. He said he had an ex wife, it was a woman on the phone, he said "I think she's on to me, she won't give3 me any information". When I got out of the grocery store I saw a hotel next to the lake. I told him I was staying there. He said he would stay there too and give me a ride. I refused to get in and walked to the hotel. I tried to be quick about getting a room before he got there but he walked in when the woman told me what room I was in. I was not comfortable but at this point in my life I wasn't scared of anything and I knew what to do. That night I jammed a chair against the door and slept with a knife under my pillow. I woke up (even on ambien) to someone...I'm assuming that guy, trying to get in the room. They failed thanks to the chair. In the morning I called the police, told them what happened, gave them his name, changed my room, told the person in the hotel lobby in charge of room management what happened and that this guy was dangerous to my safety, I advised them to refuse him a room the next night, I refused his creepy offer to give me a ride to class and informed him that I notified the police. Aside from that fiasco my hour long walk through the forest to class everyday was a magical dream, the intensive 16 hour days of learning were fun but boring at times and repetitive. There was one very disturbing moment in class one day when the creepy guy was talking in a very psychopathic way in my opinion and he stared at me with such intensity. I shivered, the whole class looked at him then looked at me. they all looked scared.
thats all the rambling I can duo today. tomorrow I can reminisce more lyrics that speak to me in many ways and describe my first spiritual experience when I became enlightened before loosing everything with a plan I hope was not for nothing.
"your strange isn't asked yet, I hope it is just sleeping in
I was over the moon when you said all was possible"
(I still believe anything is possible and my strange came back today, I'm about to have another weird dance party with me, myself, and I)
"pushing my face in the memory of you again
But I never know if it's real"
"I think I've reached the point where giving up and going on are both the same dead end to me
are both the same old song"
"In any way I try to speak
it's never enough
Howe ver much I'm falling down
it's never enough"
:"So I trick myself
like everybody else
the secrets I hide
that twist inside me
and made me weaker
I crouch in fear
I'll never fear again if only I could,
if only I could remember
anything at all"
"Im the heart of this stranger in love
Given up, holding on
]would he really run away
letting go go the time
would she know it was a lie?"