Welcome to the weird and wonderful, confusing, sad, empty, full, blizzard of ______.
Chapter one: the first time we met
It was halloween 2010. You and Ryan were on stage at Kingston Mines playing guitar, I was dancing in my Robin Hood on a horse costume. Ryan was an ewok and you were Moses, I did not yet know you, didn't care, but at the same time took notice and thought you were fun people. When we left Kingston Mines I followed our mutual friend Jordan (who I am no longer a fan of after he threatened to get a restraining order against me for asking if you were ok). As I followed Jordan down the sidewalk, feeling free one of you, I do not know which called after me saying "I just want to know you". I turned around ran up to you and introduced myself, then quickly ran back.
I did not have many friends in the Chicago area and remembered having a good time with Jordan's friends that night so I looked at his facebook and friended you guys, hoping to meet again although in no hurry as I was perfectly happy alone, still working on reaching my full potential. I was never lonely despite rarely hanging out with people.
Chapter two: the second time we met:
We were at your friends house (a girl with dreads) in the kitchen. You were to my right talking to someone. Jordan was to my left. I was talking to him about my Himalayan mountaineering trip because he was the person there I knew. We went to a bar (The same bar I would later go to my college friends, where they played with another group who covered Jeff Buckley). You were not in my taxi and not yet on my radar. You caught my attention when I saw you dance with drink in hand. You didn't seem to care what anyone thought, same as me.
When everyone wanted to go back I'm not sure which one of us began singing The Cure, the other joining. At one point I was singing lime green lime green and tangerine from The Cure song wrong number. I asked you if that was really a song because I didn't think I would know the lyrics to a song I wasn't that big a fan of. You smiled and answered yes. (I knew the song from their greatest hits album, however my favorite Cure album is the 2004 album entitled The Cure, not that it matters).
When we returned to your friends house (I apologize I forgot her name, I just remember she was friendly, used to be a cheerleader, was now a pothead, and she worked at her family's pizza joint). Talking and having a great time in each others company led to mutual kissing. We completely ignored everyone else since the bar. You intrigued and stimulated me. That night we fell asleep on the floor next to a couch upstairs. You hugged me all night while I was in fetal position. In the early morning I woke up and moved to a bed I thought was empty in another room because my back was a bit uncomfortable, I secretly wish you would have followed me but maybe you were still asleep, I don't know. In the morning when I woke up again I noticed Jordan was on the other side of the bed. We had always been plutonic friends so I had no worries that anything may have happened even though I would have remembered anyway.
Jordan woke up at the same time as me and you walked in the room smiling at me. Jordan asked me if I had his phone, I said "why would I have your phone?" He said look in your pockets. I didn't need to look and said "I don't even have pockets" You thought this was funny and laughed. This made me happy and I thought it was adorable. I asked for your number. I honestly didn't know your last name because I didn't know It was you I had friended on facebook after halloween. A few days later I went on facebook to find you and realized the connection although I still didn't know if it was you who called after me at Kingston Mines, but I didn't care either.
I'm sorry I didn't reach out after that night, but to be fair you didn't either. I was in a beautiful place of not having a self and enjoying every minute of my solitude and creation time. Thank you so much for that night, for not trying to have sex with me and for being respectful.
Chapter three: The third time we met
On this particular night Jordan contacted me to see if I wanted to come hangout downtown. I said I wanted to meditate ands dance by myself at home but soon changed my mind. I drove to your apartment not knowing it was your apartment to hang out with Jordan and his friends. you were not there but this is where I met Ryan your other roommate. We went to debonair, a nightclub I was unfamiliar with since I never went out. Your friends got a table. At one point I had a very fun dance with Ryan and thought he was a fun person who I wanted to be friends with since he also seemed weird. Your friends all made me feel comfortable at first even though I only still knew Jordan.
After half an hour had gone by at Debonair I kept overhearing your friends talk about me. (I have exceptional hearing). For example, one guy in a red shirt who was on the hefty side and jolly chatted with me quite awhile. The second I turned around he turned to his friend while looking in my direction and said "I'm in man, she's hooked". One after another all your friends hit on me like it was a game except for Jordan and Ryan, unless the dance with Ryan was his way of flirting, I don't know. I was wearing very comfortable clothing for such a fancy plaxce. Loose black pants and long sleeved top I usually painted in with a turquoise pendant necklace. It was not dress-up material. I heard one of your friends say "look what she's wearing dude, she doesn't care". This was actually true, I didn't care and was definitely not looking to impress anyone so I just ignored the comment, observing your friends embarrass themselves.
I believe Jordan was about to inform me of what was going on (even though I had picked up on it from the start). He pulled me over to the side to talk but then his face turned into one of perplexion and he stood silent. This could be because at the same time his lover in South America came in wearing a yellow raincoat, following drama between them. Or maybe he got a signal from one of his friends not to say annoying, I have no clue, all I know is some sort of game was being playing or I was secretly being tested. A bit later the other girl who was with us (I apologize I also forgot her name.....It's been many years off ridiculousness and confusion for me so my synapses need to form new connections, I do however remember Jordan later telling me that she moved to LA to try to become a famous actress with only $1,000). She looked sick so I followed her to the bathroom where I held her hair out while she threw up. Afterwards I made sure she got in the car of a friend.
The person who picked her up was the same person whose apartment I spent Holloween at, by Navy Pier. I remember hiding in the bathroom there at one point from a guy in a sports jersey who wouldn't stop using horrible pickup lines on me all night, it got annoying. I think Moses that night, which would be you laughed when I rolled my eyes at him when we were at a halloween apartment party prior to Kingston Mines. This is irrelevant but the apartment owner of the navy pier place (I forget his name too) had a fun plutonic night together eating subway really late because I was starving then falling asleep talking a bout metaphysics. He was very into stars.
Back to Debonair. After making sure your sick friend was ok I got back upstairs to find you sitting on the bench by the table. You were wearing a hat. I think you said you were at band practice. I had assumed you had forgotten about me, maybe you had, it had been awhile. That was fine with me as I was not yet in love. That night I slept at your apartment. I made my sleeping spot under a table. For some reason, even though there were obviously beds everyone followed suit and slept on the floor too, even you. I could see you upstairs on the floor. The next morning I drove home.
Chapter four: the fourth time we met
I came over to your apartment to hangout with Jordan, I did not know if you would be there. I had recently cut off all my hair so I looked different. I was wearing a gray hat that a woman I came across in the Himalayas had made. You two were drinking beer while I was probably drinking wine. I noticed something that had German writing on it hanging on your wall. It looked like something I would collect for my wall so for fun I read the German outloud in perfect dictation which seemed to surprise you. I. could do this because spent a brief month in Munich as an au pair before my family flew to my rescue to bring my depressed, broken self home for repair. At one point you said you were a hedge fund manager. I didn't know if you were lying or not but I didn't care either. I did think it was pretentious of you. I would later find out that this was a lie. If you wanted to impress me I'm slightly flattered but when I think about it more I realize you just wanted to sleep with me and never see me again. If we dated I would eventually find out you were lying so what would be the point. Although it could have been some sort of weird test I won't waste time thinking about it.
You said you had band practice so Jordan Hardy and I went somewhere although I don't have any memory of where. I do remember Jordan got back to your apartment before I did, I may have gotten lost. I took my ambien and tried to fall asleep as fast as possible on the couch because I could hear Jordan and his lover having sex in the next room talking to each other like they were In a really bad porn video.
The next morning I awoke rested and ready to start the day. You and Ryan asked if I wanted to stay at your apartment while you went to work and we could hangout when you returned. I believe the two of you said you were going to work together which answered the hedge fund manager question. I declined the offer because I really wanted to go to the botanic gardens and be a photographer that day, which I did end up doing. I also wanted to go on my 9-13 daily run. I was however extremely flattered and happy that you guys wanted to hang out with me though. I knew I would see you again. That morning Ryan had his shirt off while smoking weed and when I looked in his direction for a second you looked so sad. This in turn made me sad, I didn't mean to give you the wrong impression. Yes I was attracted to Ryan, but it was you who I sand the cure with on night many months before, who I talked to most of the night and who held me on there floor. I could be free with you, although I still don't know what was up with that hedge fund manager mishap.
Chapter five: the fifth time we met
One night soon after the last time I slept at your apartment I called you while at a BP gas station filling my car up because I wanted to hangout soon and I had left my backpack at your apartment. I was hanging out with college friends who were in town that night so I didn't know where I would end up. We decided on the phone that I would call you back later, you seemed happy to hear from me, which in turn made me happy. While hanging out with my friends going bar to bar my friend Max, who I had known since freshmen year since he dated my friend Kendall told me he loved me. I could tell it was hard for him to say this.
I was flattered but didn't feel the same way. I said that he had cheated open Kendall a lot and I had dated cheaters and wasn't going to go there again. He took it with grace. At the end of the night awe ended up at Kingston Mines. I walked in the door, and saw you by the bar and walked to you, giving you a hug hello. You were wearing a striped shirt and All Saints skinny black jeans (I would figure out the brand later when one of us would remove them).....What ever happed to the All Saints store on Michigan Ave. with the black sewing machines in the window? Anyway, you looked happy to see me and we danced together. You bought a blue Kingston mines tank top and changed into it.
At one at the bar I told Max that you were the man I was going to marry in front of you, you looked very pleased. Max asked if I even knew you and I told him that I did. At this point I was in love, I think it's because I was finally finished working on myself. Later we took a taxi back to your apartment. I said things in that taxi I never thought I would say too anyone. I'm usually very shy. I could be so free with you, you didn't judge me, you reciprocated my words and we could play and be merry. The rest of the night I remember most of minus some details. I don't tell many people. At times in moments of weakness and calls for help I've let things slip to psychiatrists and psychologists who now think I have schizo-affective disorder. They know I'm not a full blown schizophrenic but they don't think I'm sane either.
The worst part is the confusion over Being ghosted after having a marriage ceremony in your room because I didn't want you guys to waste money on tickets to Vegas like you wanted to. Even though Ryan said your father was a billionaire (I assumed this was another ridiculous test of yours, but it doesn't matter......................TO BE CONTINUED)