Welcome to the weird and wonderful, confusing, sad, empty, full, blizzard of ______.
I've seen the face of one who knows sees all. He flew overseas to find me dancing in a bar in Prague to give me a sign for the future or a good feeling to hold onto when the times get tough. He touched my face, stroked it and told me I was precious. I saw in his eyes he knew something I didn't, something mysterious and deep. I was the only one in my group of friends who recognized the unconditional love of his presence. I had no fear of him.
I wonder now if his words were meant to comfort me in many times of great stress and depression beyond words to express. A memory that spoke truth that I was not alone. Was it also a significant sign that certain people knew who I was? Even prior to 2011? Thank you prophets if your sensing me, I wish I knew if I were failing you and how I could fix it.
My self is still a loner moving through crowds with senses acute to changes and ideas of what this or that movement meant. Profound or not, it keeps me sane enough to act it but it no longer entertains me post execution off the plan that almost killed me.
I am now lonely without kind people who live without attachments and fear. I need those who process the knowledge that wee are all one, all connected, selfless souls who do not judge and who are not concerned with bettering themselves with an analytical battle between the head and the heart. Or even more disastrous, a battle between finances vs. making a big decision that will influence others in a positive way. With These strange, hard to find strangers who can Read my mind I'd be able to heal my scars.
I worry for our future as a whole if people don't listen or believe what said and the plan that I created for everyone almost a decade ago. I was never supposed to be aa martyr which is making me very confused and sometimes upset in an introverted way. There was so much proof for the teachings I tried to pass on and the magical qualities of the universe. I hope we don't lose this bloodless war, is it really all up to me? So much of what I told you to do you took as unimportant. You executed something without my consent. You knew everything about me and you pushed me to the brink of suicide on many occasions knowing full well I had no support system. I don't hate or dislike you, I just want to talk. I cannot trust myself anymore after so many doctors, family and friends have told me that I cannot trust myself. Ryan told me it would last 6 years.....they said this and that none of it true now they are erased from society, I listen to music wondering if its a message from someone who knows my story, this comforts me.
My father is constantly screaming at me, I'm, very misunderstood by him and many others. Even strangers have told me at Kingston mines that I need to get off my parents cell phone bill and get a job after I gave a girl the necklace I had made following her comments about it. Her friend got very upset that I wanted no money for it, telling me to g4et a job and pay my own bills. I knew they had to be friends of Mike and Ryan since I told them nothing about me, they were judging me and telling me how too live my life with facts they heard from other people. That night I cried myself to sleep as usual. Wanting to die, too selfless to pull that plug. All alone in a world where I knew others had to have the same abilities and sensitivities. Once these people too seemed to only want to hurt me I lost all hope and hid, not releasing anything in the field. So misunderstood......