When the soul molds to the darkness
nothing is left to prove
for you share everything,
no ladders to climb
to blind your faith
in the forever mystery of the constantly changing unknown
I really wish someone would help me out and just straight up tell me if my freedom is up to me or tell my story because I erased part of my memory and I wish I never created a psychological game out of my life. I'm ok though, I'll survive. I'll figure this out. "I know mike and Ryan stole my identity recently not for money but maybe to let me know they didn't forget about me. I gave them my entire life story, my social security number, bank account number, everything. I wanted them to put cameras in my house and car or at least listening devices. I think they did, I know they were at least in the house and in my bedroom because they put one of my ambiens on the floor as a sign that they were executing the plan. I wanted my suffering to be a lesson and a way for people to learn lessons through me instead of experiencing it themselves. A few years after June 24th 2011 at Kingston mines with a friend. I had made a lot of bookmarks out of leather, chain, feathers and pretty buttons. I passed them out to friendly people and told them it was incentive to read :) I overheard many people say my name and talk about me I was used to it by that point, it was driving me towards insanity but I managed to stay strong enough to survive. It hadn't happened in awhile though because I isolated myself to avoid all the mess I created and stay stable minded. I wasn't eating or exercising and I was smoking cigarettes (I quit in June). So at one point I couldn't take it and I fell to the floor and while laying down, balling my eyes out , I begged for someone to kill me. I was not faking it. A guy, he looked asian but he felt like Michael picked me up and brought me outside. I felt unconditional love the second he touched me and the despair was gone completely. I heard someone yell "Michael, there's magic in it" If I really did do magic June 24th 2011 then I can do it again but I wouldn't want to. I like life natural, but I also think I need my love, my other half, the person who can bring me back to life for good. I wouldn't blame him though if he hates me I just want to know he's happy ok. I would love to even b e his friend. Anyway, Michael or someone that said he was Michael Owens, or Michael in disguise (I clueless) said he was in love with me, he tried to kiss me. It didn't look like him and I'm used to using all my senses but I'm an INFJ and my feelings trump thinking so it was usual for me not to reciprocate. It's because I don't trust anyone anymore. It felt like him and I regret that I didn't kiss him back everyday. Maybe we would be married with a child now if I had trusted my gut and intuition but my mind was so twisted and damaged from so much deception and confusion that I was not used to. Before June 24th 2011 I was used to knowing everything. Friends would always come to me with questions knowing I would know the right answer and trusting that if I didn't know I would be honest and say I didn't know instead of giving wrong information. I never assumed, I always checked sources, I was extremely observant like a spy, or a spider from game of thrones :) Whenever I entered a new room I would make sure I knew all exits, I would note all decorations even how many inches a painting was in relation to a door for instance and it would make me smile or curious if anything moved from its usual spot because I like change. I could also be a Chameleon with my personality if the opportunity opted in or someone needed me to act differently to get what they wanted as long as it didn't hurt anyone and it was morally acceptable. My morals change every moment but I wouldn't kill a fly. If someone was about to kill me or someone else and there was no way I could save myself or them without killing the violator I wouldn't feel guilty. I would find out what caused their behavior if I could to understand to maybe help someone else avoid the same fate. I read a lot of spy books such as Daniel Silva. I'm a fan of Gabriel Allon. His books made studying abroad in Prague even more fun because they take place in Europe. So when I went into fantasy mode for fun, roaming the streets, trying not to me seen and listening to conversations practicing my Czech skills. I would follow interesting people to see where they were going out of curiosity. I would often just sit on a my favorite bench on a side street close to the main square and drink champagne and eat strawberries from the street market. In my head I would make up life stories, careers and salaries for passerby (I'm never bored if I'm happy because I have a pretty ok imagination). If I'm a zombie on unnecessary medication my imagination, personality, everything is erased and I might as well not exist. I'm a huge Harry Potter fan and Prague had a bank that reminded me of Gringots. It was great, so much fun. I didn't need my lexpro.
I got way off topic. I should probably organize my whole life and turn it into a book because I have a lot to say. I'm writing as if I were speaking out loud. I asked the Michael or stranger outside Kingston mines how to end this. He said do magic again. I said I didn't want to. He knew why...because life is already b beautiful and magical. He said it would last the rest of my life if I slept with the friend that I had arrived with, warwick, a nice South African dude. I'll call the person Michael because I feel like it was him ands I ducked everything up and I have to fix it. When he said it could last my whole life my hearty fell I was ,mortified. I'm doing everything I can to fix anything I may have done wrong. I'm healing myself, I'm learning again and I know what I want to do as a career finally. When I have money I will hire a private investigator who I wouldn't trust either but its worth a shot. I also don't know what's up with my website and who's reading this. I used to get thousands of hits a day when I wasn't even posting much now I get two visitors. If your reading this I'm so sorry for all my mistakes I made out of insanity, depression, loneliness, no self worth, heartbroken, just broken, brain damaged, I could go on forever. When I think about the the overdoses and drug usage alone its really a miracle I'm alive. I really hope you never fell as low. I hope you had many good, honest and strong friends even if you never were really even liked me. If you left me behind I understand but I really honestly hope you waited. But I also hope you were never lonely. If I'm not schizophrenic like you said outside Kingston mines then I'm pretty sure 5 years ago I had a lot of insightful conversations with "the masters" or whoever er they are, I also overheard you. I'm probably crazy though, I just won't tell anyone and hope no psychiatrists read this. When I looked in your eyes to see if you were telling the truth (back then I still had the ability to tell if someone was lying) your eyes looked orange and the irises were strange and not real. They were very unusual contacts. The next day I looked online to see if there were eye contact cameras and there were. I wasn't sure if I was delusional or not but that opened up new doors and questions that I didn't have the energy for before. I'm so sorry if I got so startled by your eyes and tried to leave. I didn't want to leave you but I had no friends and was .lonely all the time and someone was willing to hang out with me that night and I'm a really. loyal person and good friend to have. I treat my friends like family and drop everything I'm doing for a friend in need. I would also die for my friends. I would be proud to, I'm not afraid of death I'm honestly kind of excited to find out whats next however I don't want to leave or hurt my family so I'm only willing to die if it meant life would be better without me and with someone else. I still feel a little worthless and happy people (I'm working on it) are capable of a lot more good than depressed people most of the time so thats how I rationalize my imaginary sacrificial death brigade that will probably never happen. I was sop comfortable with you outside Kingston I'm so sorry I left you, I ignore your signs because I'm also terrified that what I created was actually executed. Maybe I'm scared of power. I'm scared of what I'm capable of because I hav e no encouragement no-one to tell me the truth no one to comfort me, give me unconditional love to be my full potential in a split second. If you repeat that night you were weirdly disguised I promise I will never leave. I think you were also in a car in front of me driving on Dempster. It looked like you in the side mirror and you lifted up your hat so I could see if you were bald. I wouldn't care at all if you are. I love all your faults, decisions, our brief but magical past that I want to be our future and present as well. You got off at the lake street exit I didn't follow. I was scared. There was a girl in the car with you and I intuitively felt like that was probably your wife and you were going to tell m e that the plan failed, I suffered for nothing and you had moved on. I've learned to assume the worst so I'm not as hurt when it hits. I regret not following that day too, the truth would. be better than nothing. I'm also not sure if it was Ryan who saved me from Drew's physical abuse,. It looked like him, I was extremely distressed though so I didn't say anything. His polish accent was perfect. One day when I smoking a cigarette on Drew's balcony to get away from his constant repetition the made me feel insane, someone on the balcony above me said "It all makes sense". I'm pretty sure that was a message for me especially since I talked out loud on the balcony about June 24th 2011 and all coincidences that happened especially at the art center (I'm. so sorry for ever starting to innocently shoplift making is quite the addictive habit for awhile out of irrational insights into my confusion of everything that was happening in my life and out of the desire for help, I needed desperately for someone to say something to my face, I was acting out for attention. People would follow me around in ultra, observe me and talk about me, judging me. It was so frustrating it made me hate myself because they didn't like me so I matched my behavior to my self image. The day after Kingston mines I felt alive but I also felt a little out of my mind. Warwick and I went to the corner bakery in wilmette to have breakfast with my dad (quick memory note before I forget, one of the first things you said to me outside was that I was beautiful...I haven't cared what I look like since junior high and I don't choose partners based on looks either, thats the honest truth. Attraction is a plus but not necessary for love. Michael Owens is not someone most people would look at twice, however from, the moment I saw him I thought he was the hottest guy I had ever seen. I know he's my soulmate even though I may not be his which is a depressing thought but sometimes the truth hurts I'm ready for it anytime someone wants to come clean or save me. June 24th 2011 I knew I would never fall in love with anyone else, I knew at Kingston mines the moment I saw him that I wanted to marry him, It was spiritual, magical, meant to be, written in the stars, known by the brightest. Together we could do great things, apart we my become broken I hope you were never sad like me. I need to fix everything its my life goal. I'm slowly going to recover and find you. outsider Kingston I asked you if you ever got my love letters, you said no. you also didn't know that you had contacted my father, not me and threatened to get a restraining orders because of my innocent love letters. I know everything must make sense its just a lot of information with no way to verify any of it. It's the hardest puzzle I've ever faced, so frustrating. I'm so worried about you and Ryan. I'm not even going to go into my psychic visions. Before all this I could confirm and see if my intuition was true. I never assumed, however I was never wrong. If I went through my entire life, childhood, school, friends you would understand how I turned out like this, I'm unusual. You blocked me on facebook so I can't even see a picture of you to make me feel warm. Although the would be a bit strange since I don't know if you feel the same way. I don't really see how you could see me that way, love me or forgive me for everything after what I turned into. I became boring, m ute, depressed, suicidal, a drug abuser, an innocent criminal, I cheated on you, although you did first which nearly killed me but then I decided that I was happy for you, I would never want you to suffer. I was so broken not even nature could ease my soul. My next boyfriend was a year later, Andrew. We met on a backpacking trip. I tried to make friends through meetu-up groups but everyone somehow knew who I was and everyones was acting, people didn't take me seriously or judged me when they clearly misunderstood me, I couldn't handle it so I became a hermit that didn't do anything. In therapy with Robin Ross I remembered that I told you guys to t4ell her everything and show her the podcast I made that night so I didn't know what to say, do, or act. I said nothing about you guys, ever, until she brought it up one day which opens up a whole new can of worms and memory loss confusion that I can't forget either. It's impossible to move on from all this. I run on my emotions. I'm naturally a positive thinker but its so hard to have enough hope sometimes to ge3t up in the morning a be productive. Please help, going to bed, goodnight.
I began smoking cigarettes one day in between walking dogs for people. I was so stressed out because I was confused I didn't know what I'll your signals meant or what I was supposed to do. The pressure to do the impossible (which I still believe is actually possible) without love was killing me. I need my other half. One, two or even three benzodiazepines wouldn't work and no doctor would prescribe mer ten a day so I bought a pack of American spirits went to elder beach and smoked a c cigarette. At first it was disgusting but the motion and the act took some off the anxiety away temporarily and helped me calm down. Any one point years later when I wanted to try to quit but deep down I really didn't want to, knew I wouldn't yet, and intuitively felt that I wasn't supposed to yet. Not that my life completely revolves around the plan and what I'm supposed to do and not do. I'm still a free spirit struggling without love. I only have myself. Lies surround me.
Tired games, they delete the soft spoken spirit
Their potential rocks on an unsteady boat
As players seek not wisdom or peace
but the muses of money and
dreams that cannot possess one without deception
The game of art that doesn't play with the name
and the release of beautiful hearts
heals the lies that bequeath the uneducated
or wounded emotions
all are welcome in the house of unconditional love
song lyrics that haunt me, scare the shit out of me, make me question my sanity and reality, (don't worry I know they are most likely not about my plan), lyrics that intrigue me, lyrics that relate to my past, even before June 24th 2011, lyrics that I ho
"and I did not want our love to be erased
but lord knows wee chased it, love just rearranged us"
"she only knows if someone wants her
I want them if they want me
I only know they want me"
"every addict has illusions"
and my baby, is the only one, left when it's dire?
she said a change is gonna some love, but it's all on us"
"on the day you left I could tell by your text that you were gonna ruin my life.
you said you said you wanted a plan
I'm always waiting for for you, girl"
"hold on tight, I think I might have wasted all my time on fear"
"have faith in the good, go find your truth
make your move and let your love shine through
have faith in the good, no we won't lose
theres too much proof we'll never lose"
"wonder if I'm ever gonna come back for you
wonder if we were born to see this through
when you're the only one I ever belong to"
"your eyes like sinking balloons
Merry 'Christmas babe, I hope we make it through
when every holiday I feel that depression from all of this pressure"
(....I have emotionally died so many times over the past decade due to stress and pressure from my ridiculous plan which I know was at least executed the first few years, I don't know if I failed and everyone gave up on me. I still promise that anything is possible, I'm a hermit getting stranger and stronger by the day after recovering from illness, I still have hope)
"It's always Christmas where you
cause no one is dying soon
cause we don't have to lie like them, we're already lost
(......When the execution began, I was terrified and stressed out to the max because I had memory gaps and didn't know how to fill them with truth anymore. I never used to have to lie but I'm afraid I became close to a pathological liar when everyone else was lying to me to protect myself and create a shell, I'm done with that...back to the eight fold path for me but much weirder and less calm than a monk because I have a large amount of energy to spread)
"and if you love it, write it down
but this old love was all I ever found
can everybody see how a woman changed me
and I don't want anyone else,
this love in your arms, after lust"
"don't apologizer for what you had to do
and I always got the feeling you'd start digging"
(I chose to I guess sacrifice for the greater good but only for a period of time, not my whole life. I told Ryan that I was strong enough and to do it. I knew then exactly what would happen and what the pain would feel like and do to me. /I also knew I would survive and come out stronger. I know I haven't told you my plan yet so you may be confused if your reading this. I've been doing ketamine treatments to help rebuild my synapse connections hoping to bring memories back and it is slowly working, it just takes time. I don't know a lot about astrology, however in college I bought "the birthday book" and did a test. I wrote down all my friends birthdays and personalities in detail without opening the book then looked, It was pretty accurate. The newer version in more accurate than the old. In short I'm intuitive, visionary and conceptual, but Also self-sacrificing, detached and overstressed, day of the space voyager, I used to be so intuitive that I could finish everyones sentences which I stopped doing right away because it made people uncomfortable. My plan took away my intuition when everything was a lie and I couldn't trust myself or anyone else, I had to find a new, uncomfortable way of morphing into society. I truly thought I might be schizophrenic for awhile but strangers would say that I was not, I sensed that these individuals were trying to help me as they also gave proof by mentioning Ryan and Michael or I would overhear them say things like "we ruined her life". It did feel like my life was ruined for awhile especially when they put me on an antipsychotic shot for a year which turned me into a zombie who wouldn't leave my apartment and I would sleep 16 hours a day them watch Netflix. It was not a life so when I saw a way out through drew I took it. Unfortunately he introduced me to opioids when eventually turned me into a heroin addict. I can truly describe withdrawal from heroin as anxiety you would get from waiting in the hospital for a loved one after a car accident, not knowing if they would survive. Mixed with the depression of true heartbreak which I knew well by now and the physical pain of kidney stones. I relapsed once, then sent to a clinic to get help with bupenorphine. I've never had anything to prove and I haven't cared what anyone thought about me since junior high and I thought that there would be so many people that would save me from myself and understand me but maybe the plan was so good and possibly effective that it will be worth it in the end. When I was extremely close to hanging myself one day...I had my head in the hanging belt while standing on a ladder crying and repeating g over and over "mom, papa, calder, buddha, botsie)...dogs, I thought I heard people try to get in although I locked the door. I heard them say "we have to get her out of this, call Ryan". I have no I idea if this was a delusion or not. I truly don't know if I'm sane or nuts. I thankfully had some Vicodin for my back pain to take to help me calm down and be strong enough to survive the depression that was killing me. I'm ok with that now, but I will write about it and hopefully people will learn something. I haven't been able to have a healthy relationship then past decade because I wouldn't lie to anyone. I told them I was still in love with someone else, I was just lonely. (sorry if I'm repeating myself from the past post). I don't have any girlfriends because girls don't like me for some reason, I get glares when I go out especially at Kingston mines. I mean no harm, it confuses me. I did get a little too obsessed with finding answers and became delusional, breaking moral code and shoplifting from stores who had insurance to purposefully get caught and try to get answers from the police thinking that they would know something and trying to make a point to anyone monitoring me that sometimes good people do bad things. I'm on a writing roll, writing as I would speak but feeling as though I wrote this earlier today, I don't remember I'm a bit frazzled. At Walgreens today I accidentally walked out with a speaker when I went to get my phone out of me car while waiting for a script. I ofcourse ended up paying for it, I know not to repeat mistakes and I know the police won't tell me anything unless I decide to become the next Jesus, cut my foot off, laugh and quickly reattach it. Or make it rain cats and dogs and tell them to adopt them all quickly pairing owner with animal for the best emotional, outcome. Some police really need sensitivity training possibly in the form of caring for a something else living. I'm going to hop in a slightly different direction now....Ambien has always been an anti-depressant for me and I do credit it for keeping me alive. During the worst if I couldn't hallucinate and get some peace I would have killed myself with a cocktail of drugs I looked up. On ambien my hallucinations are usually faces that I've never seen. They are so beautiful, not in an sexy attractive way but in a worldly connective way. They are usually older faces with wrinkles of wisdom, 7 billion of them. I always wonder if my creative mind is creating them or if they exist in reality and ambien is my tool to get through the gateway too see "the others". I sometimes for fun talk to them (I am completely detached from the world in a healthy way...my psychologist told me I dissociated and I completely agreed but I however see it as a positive thing, I am self aware. But when I am alone I can live in a fantasy world, be strange and free and switch back to reality in a split second if need be). I don't necessarily talk to the faces outlaid. I like to communicate through feeling especially with animals. My facial expression, calm demeanor and mannerisms show that I'm innocent and safe, I highly sought the faces would pick up on that, they probably are just in my head but if hey are on another plane or just visiting me maybe they can just feel who I am if I try to feel love for them and all. I truly believe all is one but I'm aware that's unusual and its the reason for a lot of suffering. My dad first introduced me to ambien the night I broke up with my long time first boyfriend Chris for the first, second, or third time...I lost track of how many times he lied big time, cheated, or howe many times I broke up with him. I took it occasionally after that. The first time I ever saw a psychiatrist I was 17, I was depressed from Chris's lies and the breakup. The doctor prescribed me lexapro which helped. The second time I saw a psychiatrist was when I was 22 after I returned from my Munich au pair experience. I was suicidal and lost. He diagnosed me with add and prescribed made vyvanse. My life changed for the better. (sorry if I'm rambling). I became focused, happy, productive and driven. I started reading everything I got my hands open and I was able to soak up the information for the first time. I felt like I could get into Harvard if I were a student again but I had already graduated college. (I had a photographic memory that is how I got through school while rarely actually attending, I was busy climbing mountains). When I stopped being able to trust myself that talent disappeared too. I read medical books and made connections to the human body and illnesses that were not yet founded, I read many textbooks in every subject, I nannied 2 and 3 year old boys who I loved deeply (It had to end because they started calling me mom). I took world religions class which I found fascinating snuff realized that I had followed there eight fold path without knowing it, I trained running 9-13 miles a day in order two climb mountains in the himalaysd in India where we got stuck in a week long blizzard, having to shovel our way out of the tent so we wouldn't suffocate every three hours. While in the tent I read every book on mountaineering, how to survive an avalanche, how to read weather patterns etc. I Japanese team on the mountain next to us perished in an avalanche. During the first three days of the blizzard I was sick so a guide gave me one mystery pill that knocked me out for three days straight so at least I didn't have to shovel the first three days. I think I got stressed by my two tent mates who were quite immature and disrespectful. They put heavy rocks in my pack when I wasn't looking to slow me down. When we ended the mountaineering portion and got to a tiny village with one or two buildings I was the only one who brought money and they wanted to slaughter a sheep to eat. I was the only girl without a true voice yet to stand up for myself so I agreed to pay for their meal out of deep regret for the death of an animal that I was never in a million years going to eat mostly because I didn't want to get sick and knew no ones body was going to take it well. I foresaw myself carrying all their weight while they threw up and had diarrhea. I selfishly and out of spite took the pepto bismol I brought instead of giving it to someone who ate the animal because I did eat the rice and knew my body wasn't used to the village food yet. I was dumbfounded that no one else brought pepto bismol on a trip in a different country, I thought that was common sense. If I had known I would have brought enough for everyone. One of the guys smeared at me because I wouldn't give him my last three round pink chalky things that would keep me feeling healthy. I could have cared less. I had empathy for his sickness but I wasn't one of the bros, I didn't care or know the technical names of every gadget and all the details of the brands of outerwear they brought so I was alone in conversation unless one of them was in the mood to flirt or try a move on me which I was patient with but uninterested. I had a boyfriend at the time, Charlie who I cared about a lot. However on my trip I came to the conclusion that when I got back I would have to end the relationship because its was time for me to be on my own and reach my full potential which I had a feeling would be in a spiritual form. When I got to the hot4el the first night I got to India I cried in my room after talking to Charlie on the phone because I missed him and I may have been a little culture shocked despite being a world traveler. This always briefly happens to me the first night in new places though including admitting myself to the psych ward 5 times for b being so suicidal I needed to protect myself from hurting my family. After my brief cry in India I decided to change my sadness so I went to explore the streets. I wanted to observe so I found an extremely shanty town-like ditch to sit in and watch, I thought it was cozy. I ended up falling asleep there. when I woke up the people of New Delhi were still busting about, I decided to return to my room where I had a bed. When I took my world religions class it was just for fun so on a whim I skipped the final and decided to do a NOLS wilderness medicine course at Louise and clark university in Oregon. I camped In the woods the first night I got there, the forest was beautiful, the constant rain was beautiful, I kept listening to Enya, wild child and Jeff buckle Hallelujah and Coldplay scientist along with other songs that I attached to my new environment. After the first day of class one guy who appeared normal and safe at first offered to drive me to the store to buy a watch which we needed for class. On the way he kept asking very personal, detailed questions like my parents names and professions, I noticed in the back of his van something that looked like it was used to swipe credit cards. I began blatantly avoiding his questions. He said he wanted to bed a doctor in a small town who would attend to his patients in their homes. In class I was observant with everything everyone said, their expressions, their mannerisms, their personalities. This guy said he done this class three times now, pretty much the same as everyone else except me, the first timer, yet he didn't pick up on anything quickly and didn't know the correct answers to questions we had just gone over In depth. He said he was a fire fighter who jumped out of helicopters. This signaled to me that he could possibly be an ex prisoner but I could always be wrong. He said he was camping too and that he wanted to camp with me. When I got out of the the van and walked towards the grocery store we were shopping at I overheard him open the phone. He said he had an ex wife, it was a woman on the phone, he said "I think she's on to me, she won't give3 me any information". When I got out of the grocery store I saw a hotel next to the lake. I told him I was staying there. He said he would stay there too and give me a ride. I refused to get in and walked to the hotel. I tried to be quick about getting a room before he got there but he walked in when the woman told me what room I was in. I was not comfortable but at this point in my life I wasn't scared of anything and I knew what to do. That night I jammed a chair against the door and slept with a knife under my pillow. I woke up (even on ambien) to someone...I'm assuming that guy, trying to get in the room. They failed thanks to the chair. In the morning I called the police, told them what happened, gave them his name, changed my room, told the person in the hotel lobby in charge of room management what happened and that this guy was dangerous to my safety, I advised them to refuse him a room the next night, I refused his creepy offer to give me a ride to class and informed him that I notified the police. Aside from that fiasco my hour long walk through the forest to class everyday was a magical dream, the intensive 16 hour days of learning were fun but boring at times and repetitive. There was one very disturbing moment in class one day when the creepy guy was talking in a very psychopathic way in my opinion and he stared at me with such intensity. I shivered, the whole class looked at him then looked at me. they all looked scared.
thats all the rambling I can duo today. tomorrow I can reminisce more lyrics that speak to me in many ways and describe my first spiritual experience when I became enlightened before loosing everything with a plan I hope was not for nothing.
"your strange isn't asked yet, I hope it is just sleeping in
I was over the moon when you said all was possible"
(I still believe anything is possible and my strange came back today, I'm about to have another weird dance party with me, myself, and I)
"pushing my face in the memory of you again
But I never know if it's real"
"I think I've reached the point where giving up and going on are both the same dead end to me
are both the same old song"
"In any way I try to speak
it's never enough
Howe ver much I'm falling down
it's never enough"
:"So I trick myself
like everybody else
the secrets I hide
that twist inside me
and made me weaker
I crouch in fear
I'll never fear again if only I could,
if only I could remember
anything at all"
"Im the heart of this stranger in love
Given up, holding on
]would he really run away
letting go go the time
would she know it was a lie?"
Chapter one: the first time we met
It was halloween 2010. You and Ryan were on stage at Kingston Mines playing guitar, I was dancing in my Robin Hood on a horse costume. Ryan was an ewok and you were Moses, I did not yet know you, didn't care, but at the same time took notice and thought you were fun people. When we left Kingston Mines I followed our mutual friend Jordan (who I am no longer a fan of after he threatened to get a restraining order against me for asking if you were ok). As I followed Jordan down the sidewalk, feeling free one of you, I do not know which called after me saying "I just want to know you". I turned around ran up to you and introduced myself, then quickly ran back.
I did not have many friends in the Chicago area and remembered having a good time with Jordan's friends that night so I looked at his facebook and friended you guys, hoping to meet again although in no hurry as I was perfectly happy alone, still working on reaching my full potential. I was never lonely despite rarely hanging out with people.
Chapter two: the second time we met:
We were at your friends house (a girl with dreads) in the kitchen. You were to my right talking to someone. Jordan was to my left. I was talking to him about my Himalayan mountaineering trip because he was the person there I knew. We went to a bar (The same bar I would later go to my college friends, where they played with another group who covered Jeff Buckley). You were not in my taxi and not yet on my radar. You caught my attention when I saw you dance with drink in hand. You didn't seem to care what anyone thought, same as me.
When everyone wanted to go back I'm not sure which one of us began singing The Cure, the other joining. At one point I was singing lime green lime green and tangerine from The Cure song wrong number. I asked you if that was really a song because I didn't think I would know the lyrics to a song I wasn't that big a fan of. You smiled and answered yes. (I knew the song from their greatest hits album, however my favorite Cure album is the 2004 album entitled The Cure, not that it matters).
When we returned to your friends house (I apologize I forgot her name, I just remember she was friendly, used to be a cheerleader, was now a pothead, and she worked at her family's pizza joint). Talking and having a great time in each others company led to mutual kissing. We completely ignored everyone else since the bar. You intrigued and stimulated me. That night we fell asleep on the floor next to a couch upstairs. You hugged me all night while I was in fetal position. In the early morning I woke up and moved to a bed I thought was empty in another room because my back was a bit uncomfortable, I secretly wish you would have followed me but maybe you were still asleep, I don't know. In the morning when I woke up again I noticed Jordan was on the other side of the bed. We had always been plutonic friends so I had no worries that anything may have happened even though I would have remembered anyway.
Jordan woke up at the same time as me and you walked in the room smiling at me. Jordan asked me if I had his phone, I said "why would I have your phone?" He said look in your pockets. I didn't need to look and said "I don't even have pockets" You thought this was funny and laughed. This made me happy and I thought it was adorable. I asked for your number. I honestly didn't know your last name because I didn't know It was you I had friended on facebook after halloween. A few days later I went on facebook to find you and realized the connection although I still didn't know if it was you who called after me at Kingston Mines, but I didn't care either.
I'm sorry I didn't reach out after that night, but to be fair you didn't either. I was in a beautiful place of not having a self and enjoying every minute of my solitude and creation time. Thank you so much for that night, for not trying to have sex with me and for being respectful.
Chapter three: The third time we met
On this particular night Jordan contacted me to see if I wanted to come hangout downtown. I said I wanted to meditate ands dance by myself at home but soon changed my mind. I drove to your apartment not knowing it was your apartment to hang out with Jordan and his friends. you were not there but this is where I met Ryan your other roommate. We went to debonair, a nightclub I was unfamiliar with since I never went out. Your friends got a table. At one point I had a very fun dance with Ryan and thought he was a fun person who I wanted to be friends with since he also seemed weird. Your friends all made me feel comfortable at first even though I only still knew Jordan.
After half an hour had gone by at Debonair I kept overhearing your friends talk about me. (I have exceptional hearing). For example, one guy in a red shirt who was on the hefty side and jolly chatted with me quite awhile. The second I turned around he turned to his friend while looking in my direction and said "I'm in man, she's hooked". One after another all your friends hit on me like it was a game except for Jordan and Ryan, unless the dance with Ryan was his way of flirting, I don't know. I was wearing very comfortable clothing for such a fancy plaxce. Loose black pants and long sleeved top I usually painted in with a turquoise pendant necklace. It was not dress-up material. I heard one of your friends say "look what she's wearing dude, she doesn't care". This was actually true, I didn't care and was definitely not looking to impress anyone so I just ignored the comment, observing your friends embarrass themselves.
I believe Jordan was about to inform me of what was going on (even though I had picked up on it from the start). He pulled me over to the side to talk but then his face turned into one of perplexion and he stood silent. This could be because at the same time his lover in South America came in wearing a yellow raincoat, following drama between them. Or maybe he got a signal from one of his friends not to say annoying, I have no clue, all I know is some sort of game was being playing or I was secretly being tested. A bit later the other girl who was with us (I apologize I also forgot her name.....It's been many years off ridiculousness and confusion for me so my synapses need to form new connections, I do however remember Jordan later telling me that she moved to LA to try to become a famous actress with only $1,000). She looked sick so I followed her to the bathroom where I held her hair out while she threw up. Afterwards I made sure she got in the car of a friend.
The person who picked her up was the same person whose apartment I spent Holloween at, by Navy Pier. I remember hiding in the bathroom there at one point from a guy in a sports jersey who wouldn't stop using horrible pickup lines on me all night, it got annoying. I think Moses that night, which would be you laughed when I rolled my eyes at him when we were at a halloween apartment party prior to Kingston Mines. This is irrelevant but the apartment owner of the navy pier place (I forget his name too) had a fun plutonic night together eating subway really late because I was starving then falling asleep talking a bout metaphysics. He was very into stars.
Back to Debonair. After making sure your sick friend was ok I got back upstairs to find you sitting on the bench by the table. You were wearing a hat. I think you said you were at band practice. I had assumed you had forgotten about me, maybe you had, it had been awhile. That was fine with me as I was not yet in love. That night I slept at your apartment. I made my sleeping spot under a table. For some reason, even though there were obviously beds everyone followed suit and slept on the floor too, even you. I could see you upstairs on the floor. The next morning I drove home.
Chapter four: the fourth time we met
I came over to your apartment to hangout with Jordan, I did not know if you would be there. I had recently cut off all my hair so I looked different. I was wearing a gray hat that a woman I came across in the Himalayas had made. You two were drinking beer while I was probably drinking wine. I noticed something that had German writing on it hanging on your wall. It looked like something I would collect for my wall so for fun I read the German outloud in perfect dictation which seemed to surprise you. I. could do this because spent a brief month in Munich as an au pair before my family flew to my rescue to bring my depressed, broken self home for repair. At one point you said you were a hedge fund manager. I didn't know if you were lying or not but I didn't care either. I did think it was pretentious of you. I would later find out that this was a lie. If you wanted to impress me I'm slightly flattered but when I think about it more I realize you just wanted to sleep with me and never see me again. If we dated I would eventually find out you were lying so what would be the point. Although it could have been some sort of weird test I won't waste time thinking about it.
You said you had band practice so Jordan Hardy and I went somewhere although I don't have any memory of where. I do remember Jordan got back to your apartment before I did, I may have gotten lost. I took my ambien and tried to fall asleep as fast as possible on the couch because I could hear Jordan and his lover having sex in the next room talking to each other like they were In a really bad porn video.
The next morning I awoke rested and ready to start the day. You and Ryan asked if I wanted to stay at your apartment while you went to work and we could hangout when you returned. I believe the two of you said you were going to work together which answered the hedge fund manager question. I declined the offer because I really wanted to go to the botanic gardens and be a photographer that day, which I did end up doing. I also wanted to go on my 9-13 daily run. I was however extremely flattered and happy that you guys wanted to hang out with me though. I knew I would see you again. That morning Ryan had his shirt off while smoking weed and when I looked in his direction for a second you looked so sad. This in turn made me sad, I didn't mean to give you the wrong impression. Yes I was attracted to Ryan, but it was you who I sand the cure with on night many months before, who I talked to most of the night and who held me on there floor. I could be free with you, although I still don't know what was up with that hedge fund manager mishap.
Chapter five: the fifth time we met
One night soon after the last time I slept at your apartment I called you while at a BP gas station filling my car up because I wanted to hangout soon and I had left my backpack at your apartment. I was hanging out with college friends who were in town that night so I didn't know where I would end up. We decided on the phone that I would call you back later, you seemed happy to hear from me, which in turn made me happy. While hanging out with my friends going bar to bar my friend Max, who I had known since freshmen year since he dated my friend Kendall told me he loved me. I could tell it was hard for him to say this.
I was flattered but didn't feel the same way. I said that he had cheated open Kendall a lot and I had dated cheaters and wasn't going to go there again. He took it with grace. At the end of the night awe ended up at Kingston Mines. I walked in the door, and saw you by the bar and walked to you, giving you a hug hello. You were wearing a striped shirt and All Saints skinny black jeans (I would figure out the brand later when one of us would remove them).....What ever happed to the All Saints store on Michigan Ave. with the black sewing machines in the window? Anyway, you looked happy to see me and we danced together. You bought a blue Kingston mines tank top and changed into it.
At one at the bar I told Max that you were the man I was going to marry in front of you, you looked very pleased. Max asked if I even knew you and I told him that I did. At this point I was in love, I think it's because I was finally finished working on myself. Later we took a taxi back to your apartment. I said things in that taxi I never thought I would say too anyone. I'm usually very shy. I could be so free with you, you didn't judge me, you reciprocated my words and we could play and be merry. The rest of the night I remember most of minus some details. I don't tell many people. At times in moments of weakness and calls for help I've let things slip to psychiatrists and psychologists who now think I have schizo-affective disorder. They know I'm not a full blown schizophrenic but they don't think I'm sane either.
The worst part is the confusion over Being ghosted after having a marriage ceremony in your room because I didn't want you guys to waste money on tickets to Vegas like you wanted to. Even though Ryan said your father was a billionaire (I assumed this was another ridiculous test of yours, but it doesn't matter......................TO BE CONTINUED)
I can't remember a time when I was scared of dying. I think that most people who suffer from depression with suicidal ideations can relate.
Never having answers to my never-ending heartbreak is my only fear in life.
If anyone has any answers that could help me make sense of it all please let me know so I can reach my full potential and leave my sorrows behind me.
The two people who would know the answers I seek are Michael Owens and Ryan Wilks. Spring of 2011 they lived on Green st. downtown Chicago. They told m e they worked at REI but that could have been one of many lies they told me.
In my junior and senior years at New Trier highschool I dated a boy named Chris. At the age of 18 I found out he had been cheating on me and I felt heartbreak for the first time in my life. When I confronted him about it he denied that it happened. I wanted to believe him but also knew he was lying so I learned to understand the cheating. "I told myself that I was not a sexual person and guys his age couldn't control themselves as well as women. I did this too out of low-self esteem for myself and fear of loneliness, I knew we had become co-dependent and I was going to college soon which I was excited for but it wasn't for another 3-4 months.
Soon after I degraded myself by staying with Chris, he was sent to rehab and I only had to suffer a few months of loneliness until the new experience of college (university of Denver) handed me many new friends. Unfortunately, when I was home during winter break he somehow talked me into having dinner with him. At dinner he did the cliche move of "I've changed, I'm not on drugs now and boom we were back together.
I often felt like he was cheating on me when I dated him in college but I knew I would never know the truth from his mouth. I finally let go completely of Chris when I studied abroad in Prague fall of 2007 at the university of economics there.
Chris was a pathological liar, which I put up with for 4 years always trying to understand the behavior instead of punishing him for it except for the 6 times I thought I had had enough and broke up with him, but it never worked because he would always lie about something to get me back. I always wanted to believe him. When we first began dating he lied about his age, name father's occupation. I thought it was innocent and I was a little flattered that he cared what I thought.
Right before I left for Prague I learned about some much heavier lies making me question if he was a sociopath. He told me that his father cheated on his mother and she got AIDS. The cheating part was true and for years I thought his parents (I was close with his mother but would never bring it up so the truth didn't come out until much later) had AIDS or HIV but it was a lie. He told me when I was in Colorado any school that he was diagnosed with cancer (Hodgkin's lymphoma) probably to get me to come home and leave school. I called his brother for the truth, this was also a lie. He also never had a little brother that died young.
I had heard from an acquaintance in highschool that Chris once beat up an old man who almost died and Chris was put in the psych ward for it. Chris denied that this ever happened, however; sometimes her would boast about how scared people were of him. On occasion I had overheard him say things like "boy you don't know what I'm capable of, never talk to my girlfriend again". He would get really jealous and even told me once I wasn't allowed to talk to other guys. I obviously didn't take that seriously I just thought he must be in a very strange mood.
After graduating college Chris wouldn't stop trying to contact me via texting. He tried to impress me or thought I was dumb enough to believe that he was hired by the CIA and he was taking classes at Northwestern in Arabic. I changed my phone number. Since then, what I've heard from his family is that he made 60 million, is married, and has a son (his wife is not the mother) who he pays no child support for. He moved to Spain just so he wouldn't have to give his child money. Its sad and scary that sociopaths and psychopaths, people without a conscious, who manipulate others for their own personal gain can gain power so easily because they don't feel remorse when they hurt someone.
In May of 2020 I got out of an abusive relationship in which the abuse began because I didn't feel like having sex one night. I have also been raped by an ex-boyfriend who was dating someone else at the same time without my knowledge. Having gone through all that more recently I know some sociopaths are worse than others, Chris never physically harmed me but who knows what would have happened if I was stronger then and had said no.
Chris reached out to me a few years ago via email, offering to pay me to make a video of myself having sex with someone else. This to me was just disturbing as much as I wanted it to be funny, it only shows how little he knows me, I will probably spend the rest of my life celibate. After years of suffering due to hurt emotions and a sensitive soul, I can now give him the dictionary diagnoses of retarded; less advanced in mental, physical, or social development than is usual for ones age.
A glowing warm body
An aura of light
I once was you
come find me again
so we can begin again
A light so bright devils will kneel and the people will be free of all suffering
because they will have found their way out of samsara